Thursday, September 28, 2006
Fini Redux
You're right Butterfly (who won't be back, but maybe she'll get this message by osmosis or something), I owe you all an explanation. I'm done here. Fini (that's French...for "finished"...or freedom fries, it depends whether you're a Republican or a Democrat). I can't blog like this anymore. I'm setting myself free from Blogger, free from the nicknames, free from holding back what I really want to express.

If you care to follow, I'll be blogging at Procrastamom from now on. If you're coming over, prepare to meet the real me.

Whether you're coming with or staying put (or won't be back), thanks very much for reading here the last year and a half. Thanks for your comments, thanks for your emails, thanks for your friendships.

Just thanks.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Fini
You're right Butterfly (who won't be back, but maybe she'll get this message by osmosis or something), I owe you all an explanation. I'm done here. Fini (that's French...for "finished"...or freedom fries, it depends whether you're a Republican or a Democrat). I can't blog like this anymore. I'm setting myself free from Blogger, free from the nicknames, free from holding back what I really want to express.

If you care to follow, I'll be blogging at Procrastamom from now on. If you're coming over, prepare to meet the real me.

Whether you're coming with or staying put (or won't be back), thanks very much for reading here the last year and a half. Thanks for your comments, thanks for your emails, thanks for your friendships.

Just thanks.


Friday, September 22, 2006
Because I go to Wendy's entirely too much...
Gah! I need an Advil Liquigel and a Frosty (lucky for me there just happens to be a pill in my desk drawer and an ice-cream-like substance in the freezer. yes I landed in Wendy's drive-thru again at lunch today. shut up!). This has been one ass-kicking week.

Period Watch 2006 is officially over. Please pass the Tampax. This week I got my period after 78 days AND AFTER I spent the $12.99 to find out what I already knew. I'd forgotten just how hard it is to pee on a stick for a full five seconds (read: messy). And I'd also forgotten how one feels just a little pang of regret when that plus sign doesn't show up in the results window (cause how cool would that have been to have another little person in your life? Even if the littlest person in your life right now is a full eight years old and you think you may not want to go back to diapers and midnight feedings. A baby? With a head that smells like babyness? Mmmm). So yeah. OVER. And apparently I'm looking forward to grandchildren in ten or so years. Or maybe just the smell of their heads.

Cheap Bastard had a small operation on Wednesday. Day surgery. That's all I'm really allowed to say about that without pissing him off cause I wrote about his private life on my website. It's a secret. We're all worried sick. Stress abounds. Watch for updates to this secret, tragic surgical matter...coming never. The end.

Oh and we got a new receptionist two weeks ago from an agency. She was working out okay. At least she answered the phones well and distributed the faxes and that was a big break for everyone around here. She did look a little overwhelmed by the eight constantly ringing lines (they ring in my nightmares, seriously). She quit last Friday. But told no-one. By Monday morning at 10:30 we're wondering what happened to Linda and calling the agency for information. When the agency finally caught up with her she told them that we very nearly gave her a nervous breakdown with all the work she was expected to handle and THE PHONES, oh the phones! She never, ever wanted to think about us again. So on Tuesday they sent us a new recruit. Who, again, has worked out well. Apparently she phoned the agency this morning and told them she wouldn't be returning on Monday.

I'm thinking that anytime in the next couple of weeks won't be the best time for me to give my notice or tell anyone around here about my new job. I'm picturing my co-workers running at me with knives and my boss lying in the fetal position under his large oak desk.

...now, please excuse me. I have a date with a pill and some chocolately goodness.



Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Laundry List: I need a diary...that I can write all my non-internet appropriate secrets down in. Then I could write pretend comments to myself too: "Gee Vicky, I'm sorry you've been so worried about your husband. I'm sorry that you can't write about it and get it out of your system. I'm sure everything will turn out okay. Oh and I know its been hard having other family members in your house this week. HARD. Really f*&#ing hard. And that you can't write about that on the internet either because you're not anonymous to your family and your family will be offended. And that your head is spinning and you can't wait to go home tonight to JUST YOUR FAMILY and no one else." Ahem. Yeah, pretend comments like that...


Monday, September 18, 2006
Ha, Ha, Pregnancy...
A couple of you have replied to my last post with all of your "ha, ha, sounds like pregnancy symptoms." I don't want to name any names here (Heather! The Empress! You BC girls are bad news I tell you. BAD. NEWS). Are you trying to give my MIL and FIL heart attacks? And what about me? Baby? Now? Gaaa! I just died.

I had a baby at 19. I had a second at 24. I had my last child two months before my 26th birthday. I'm 34 now. Waaaaaay too old for that shit. I was done with diapers over 6 years ago. Even with all the activity fees, school fees and clothing I pay for now my bank account stays in the black more than it did when I was shelling out for diapers and formula. I sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Eight hours. I go out with my friends occassionally. I read books. Fiction books. My kids do chores now. I haven't washed a supper dish in months.

No babies! No, no, no. And also, NO!

Cheap Bastard and I were getting dressed the other day when I told him I was obviously dying. I haven't had my period in 2 1/2 months and I am obviously either dying or going through early menopause. His response: "Have you ever thought that you might be pregnant? Vasectomies have been known to fail, even after eight years."

...and then I shot him.


Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 45 minutes

Period Watch 2006: Approx. Day 76

Laundry List: Not spending the $12.00 on a test that will tell me what I already know (ie: no more babies for you. The next baby in your life will be a granchild). Instead, purchase cake.


Thursday, September 14, 2006
Symptoms of Early Menopause
Besides the fact that I haven't had my period since mid-July, but have been bloated since August 21st (exit FIL stage right..."I uhm, have to go fiddle with something in the garage. Eep!"). I have managed to convince myself that I'm experiencing early menopause at the tender age of 34. Could it be? Will I soon be breaking it off with my evil boyfriend Tampax? Let's review the symptoms shall we?

hot flushes and night sweats: Nope. None. But I'm the type of person that swaddles herself in 3 quilts and a duvet in her bed in the dead heat of summer. Just last night I again asked Cheap Bastard to please, please buy me some electric socks. My feet were freaking icicles and when I pushed my foot out of the blankets to stick it on his bare skin - so he could experience the liquid nitrogen that are my feet - I bashed my toe on the footboard of the bed. The foot shattered into a million ice fragments. And so I asked Cheap Bastard to please buy me an electric sock. Then I cried, cause it bloody hurt!

aches and pains: Yes, everywhere. But in my own defense, I have a daughter in GRADE TEN now. Please pass the Geritol and speak up Sonny, I can't hear you!

crawling or itching sensations under the skin: I just scratched my arms raw...after reading that symptom. Kind of like when I rake the heck out of my hair when the kids bring home a notice titled "There's Been A Lice Outbreak In The School" (danger!).

headaches: All the freaking live long day. Advil Liquigels are "my precious".

vaginal dryness: Oh my virgin eyes! They do burn!

reduced sex drive (libido): I have three children. I did it three times (ask Bella - "Ew! You and Daddy did it THREE times! Gross!).

urinary frequency: Excuse me, I have to pee.

tiredness: What exactly does it feel like not to be tired?

irritability: This symptom pisses me off.

depression: I live with my parents. Thank you and goodnight.

sleeping difficulty: I only get up three to four times a night...from all the peeing.

lack of self esteem: Nobody's really reading this list are they?

forgetfulness: What is this "Desperate to be a Housewife" blog thing? And why has it been abandoned for so long? Who is the owner of this lonely blog? He or she should be ashamed!

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 10 minutes

Laundry List: regular socks


Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Picture This
Zeenee is having her school portraits taken tomorrow. What to wear? Oh, what to wear? And how should I style my hair? Smile or no smile? Teeth or no teeth?

I was just filling out the order form and was faced with a number of choices myself (like whether to buy portraits or pay the mortgage this month), the biggest decision being (who really needs a roof over their heads anyways) what background to choose (millions of people live without shelter right?) for our portrait "package" (the bank doesn't usually reposess after the first missed payment...right? Usually?). Our choices are limited to six different backgrounds, three of which we dismissed immediately. The losers are Slate (had that last year, Zee's wearing navy or brown this year...no Slate), Downtown (we're so totally too Uptown for Downtown) and Brick (just no).

Choice Number 4 is Arctic which, staple some wings to this chick's back and call her Liz (cause this beyotch is so obviously the perfect and popular cheerleader type from high school, of which they were always named Liz or Tiffany or Mitzy or Fluffy). No angels have flown up Zeenee's butt lately, so we're probably not going with Arctic.

Karma is interesting. Interesting in the way that having your picture taken in the deepest recesses of HELL would be interesting. "Okay smile like your ass is on fire! You look HOT!" Yawn. Fire and brimstone is so last year.

I think we're gonna go with Sky. It should compliment Zee's fashion choice well and her colouring against that background will be perfect. Also, when you live in the Vancouver area, nothing says "I'm a West Coast Chick" like having your picture taken with a scene from a typical spring day!


Friday, August 25, 2006
Sometimes the Paint program comes in handy
"Ew Mom! I'm making a stupid face in that one. You are not putting that picture on the internet. I forbid it!"



...problem solved sweetie!

(Gee, and her brother and sister look so normal in this picture)


Because even if you can't be a stay at home mom...
...getting one day off work every two weeks to spend with your kids is totally worth it!

"I just don't understand why I have to brush my hair EVERY day. I brushed it yesterday before soccer practice!"

Steeeee-rike!

"Do you have these in a pump, say with a 2" heel?"

"Mom! You're messing up my technique. Put the camera down!"

"Budgie! Walk faster and don't look back. She's pointing that thing again!"


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