Thursday, June 30, 2005
Tomorrow we go here: Kelowna, BC

Sun, Sand, Swimming, Ice Cream (this is important)

Monday we go here: Sundre, AB

In-laws, golf (Ryk's grandparents own a course there)...and that's about it.

Thursday we go here: home, familiar, memories, CALGARY!!!

My BFF's (since grade 2!!!) reception, Stampede, Peter's Burgers, Zoo, Ice Cream (there's a theme here). Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!!!

Time until I have to go back to work: 12 days, 10 hours, 15 minutes!!!

Laundry List: who cares...I'm on holiday!!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I'm having way too much fun with this!

Aren't they soooo easy when they're snoozing...

Zeenee in juvie.

bella and Pizza Maria (yes, that's what happens when you let your kids name the family pet!)

Picture Pages, Picture Pages

This is a test of the new Blogger picture posting system. This is only a test. If this had been a real emergency, your monitor would have exploded and your keyboard would have melted under your fingers.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging.

(this is Budgie and Anabella...not at Halloween...just merely playing dress-up)

...this isn't the single most BESTEST Mommy post you have ever read, I will put on a show and eat my entire blog!

Le Joke D'Jour
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, the Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. "We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Tuesday Toenail Travesty
7:40 a.m.: Get out of shower, dry off, put on housecoat. Walk into bedroom, look at clock and realize you have 20 minutes to get dressed, dry hair, put on mascara, make breakfast for two kids, put patch on son’s eye, take lunches out of fridge, grab something for lunch for yourself and get your butt into van for trek to work.

7:41 a.m.: Put on underwear, look down at your toes and think, “Gee my toenails look terrible. I’d better retouch my nail polish before I go to work as I’ll be wearing sandals today.” Sit on very high bed and balance feet on laundry basket whilst trying to reach left foot over big stomach with right hand. Shakily paint Ravishing Red on toenails, cuticles and all exposed toe skin.

7:46 a.m.: Look at clock and panic!!! Hastily slather on deodorant and shake quarter bottle of baby powder over boobs and bum. Gingerly pull on black pants over wet toenails and stop to inspect. “Son of a beach! Now I’ve got little white specks of powder all over my red toes. Maybe if I just try to carefully rub it off with my finger…nope, now I’ve got a streak of Ravishing Red running right up my foot to my ankle.”

7:52 a.m.: Run to bathroom for nail polish remover. Surprise, it’s not in the cupboard where it should be! Dash in to Zeenee’s room where her and friend are sleeping soundly (school’s over, sleepovers begin)…make way through dark room, avoid stepping on human appendages, locate nail polish remover, vow to chain it to the bathroom counter (along with the hairbrush) when you have time. Back to bathroom, balance feet on toilet, remove mistakes, repaint Ravishing Red. Success!!!

8:01 a.m.: Run upstairs, throw breakfast at children, toss lunches into backpacks, check wallet for loonies and twoonies (you will need to buy your lunch today), sprint out to van, drop trail of gummies that are falling out of purse along driveway, leave for the crows (crows love gummies right?), drive like Paul Tracy to work, window open in order to dry hair, apply mascara at red lights.

Time until I’m back with my family: 3 hours, 9 minutes

Laundry list: whatever was taken off last night…I’m relatively caught up

Sunday, June 26, 2005
Guitar Guy My Future Son-in-Law
So when we were at Zeenee's graduation ceremony this happened...

Zeenee's friend Maddy was singing a beautiful song she wrote accompanied by two guys, one also singing and the other one playing the guitar. As I focussed on the guitar player I realized that he was the kind of guy I would have fallen for at the age of 13...cute in a soft kind of way. I never fell for the guys who were gorgeous or knew they were good looking...I used to call it "bunny rabbit cute". In fact, it was the same kind of cute I fell for in Mr. D2bH when we were 16...

Anyways, when I mentioned it to Zeenee that night after the ceremony she said Guitar Guy was the guy she'd told me months ago she had a crush on...I had a feeling he was when I first saw him and I didn't even hear his name. Isn't that funny? My daughter has the same taste in men that I have. Well now I have taken to calling him "Guitar Guy My Future Son-in-Law", much to Zeenee's chagrin. Hey, I have to have some fun in life and torturing my 13 year old daughter IS just a little bit amusing! Since school ended we've hardly seen her...she's spent every night this weekend sleeping over at other people's houses, swimming, shopping...sigh, she's falling out of love with me (okay, I'm pathetic!).

Anabella had a field hockey tournament yesterday and her team placed first in their division...yaa Daredevils!!! There was a lot of cloud cover yesterday, so we were all burned to a bright shade of crimson before we even realized we should maybe have slathered on some sunscreen. It seems we do it once a year and then we remember why we spend 15 bucks on a bottle of goo every two weeks...nothing like SPF45 to keep that translucent skin a whiter shade of snowflake!

So, it's Sunday and I have to tell you about a blogger I've been following. Her blog is Purple Goddess In Frog Pyjamas. I'm not a religious person, so I don't pray, but I've been keeping her in the back of my mind since I found her blog and I must say I'm rooting for her. Go over and give her blog a'll be glad you did.

Time left until I have to leave my family: 34 hours (I have tomorrow off!!!)

Laundry list: Don't it normal to go through a whole bulk box of Tide in one day?

Thursday, June 23, 2005
Zeenee the Graduate
Zeenee graduated from grade 8 today!! Next stop high school. She looked so pretty in her summer dress and shoes…admonishing her dad for taking so many pictures. On top of the fact that she graduated with honours, she also pulled off 100% on her Social Studies final…we are two proud puffed up parental units!

When I got back to work my other boss “Whine” (we’ll call him that cause that’s what he does a lot) started giving me the third degree about “this so called graduation”. His kids go to school in a different district than mine and they don’t have middle school, so I guess he doesn’t believe that that’s where I was this morning. Too bad Whine…just because YOU treat your business better than YOUR OWN FAMILY, doesn’t mean I’m gonna feel guilty about taking an unpaid morning off to attend something for MY kids. I don’t give a flying fart more for this job or this business than collecting my weekly paycheque and going home to my family every weekend. If I could find a way out of here I would do it and you wouldn’t get anymore notice than me collecting the pictures around my desk and a “Trudeau Salute” goodbye. So, suck it up Sunshine!!!

Wait until he finds out that FOF gave me Monday off AND that I’m starting my holidays on Friday the 1st of July…should be interesting around here.

Time until I’m back with my family: 57 minutes

Laundry list: I ironed the pants and I’m wearing them! But…they will need washing again this weekend, so I won’t be wearing them for another six weeks.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Gummies and Babies, but not Gummy Babies
I’m very addicted to gummies…worms, bananas, fried eggs, sweedish fish…I’ll eat em all. I have one of those cups of gummies in my desk (made a mad dash to 7-Eleven at lunch today) and I keep opening the drawer, taking a gummy, closing the drawer, eating a gummy, opening the drawer, taking a gummy…etc. It’s sad really that they’re neither sugar free nor good for me…sad…cause I’m addicted.

I got an email from my CHSIL (Chic Hip Sister-in-Law) today. She is the mother of my favourite niece “O” who is four months old (she’s my favourite not only by default of being the only one, but because she’s so bee-U-T-ful she’d be my favourite anyways! The only drawback is I have never met her…they live far away in T.O.). Anyways, this is the excerpt that I thought was funny: “I am just going to the video store cause I dropped off O's videos instead of the rentals. Everyday I realize some small disaster that is the result of sleep deprivation.”

I laugh a lot at the expense of my siblings with babies and toddlers…there are some things I will NEVER miss about my kids being that age…ie, the sleepless nights, diapers, feedings, tantrums, potty training, etc. But, but, BUT…there are some things that I would have last forever:

The smell of a baby’s/child’s head: I have always taken delight in burying my nose in my kids hair and inhaling deeply (they don’t let me do it much anymore). I swear this is one of those connections with the great animal kingdom we humans have…being able to detect our own child merely by their smell.

The total devotion of a small child to his/her parents: Budgie used to hug me every other minute of the day. When I told him once that he would eventually stop wanting to hug and kiss me all the time, he said “No I won’t Mom, I’m going to marry you when I grow up.” Now that he’s seven he’s either going to marry Sydney or “one of the other extra girls I love at school” (his words). Zeenee banned me from kissing her goodbye in grade one and in grade six she hissed at me “don’t ever wave at me again, it’s so embarrassing!” (she has since retracted the last statement…she was all hopped up on hormones in grade six).

The firsts: smiling, gurgling, walking, talking, etc.

That’s about it. I’m quite happy with my sleep all night, work all day, get your own cereal and let mommy and daddy sleep in on Sundays life as it is now.

Except for the work (out of the home) all day part…but I’m working to fix that…

Damn, I’ve probably eaten 15 gummies while writing this post…sad…I love them.

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 4 minutes, 5 more gummies

Laundry list: maybe one load...oh and those damned pants I've been meaning to iron

Monday, June 20, 2005
Brownies are demon spawn…
…especially at 2:30 in the morning, when they’re running down the halls giggling and screaming “shhhhhhhh!!!!!” and you’re on a plastic mattress that crunches every time you breathe, you’ve been up 43 times to “nicely” suggest to them that they should get their little butts back in their sleeping bags, that no, Lisa does not like it when you shine your flashlight directly into her corneas and that’s probably why she threw said flashlight from the top bunk, and no I don’t feel sorry that you have to go home and tell mom and dad that the forty dollar flashlight they bought you especially for this camp is smashed into a zillion pieces!!

So I’m here at the office this lovely Monday morning guzzling coffee and occasionally tapping keys behind my cubicle screen in the effort to appear busy and productive.

I just sent an email to my boss asking for this Thursday morning and next Monday off. Zeenee is graduating from middle school on Thursday (grade 8)….she’s basically just going to walk across the school gym and receive a certificate, but we had to buy her a dress and shoes for the occasion…my husband calls it “a celebration of mediocrity”, but it still blows my mind that she’s going to high school in September….how the hell did that happen? I can still remember, in vivid detail, her first day of Kindergarten!

Monday is Budgie’s class picnic and I want to attend that…problem being that I start my holidays on Friday the 1st…we’ll see how the “FOF”* reacts.

*FOF – “Flamer Office Fairy” – my anal retentive boss who is so obviously gay, but people around here still wonder out loud why he’s never been married. Hello! He’s fifty, he delights in buying flowers and teddy bears, loves to shop for the office décor, lives in the West End and goes down to his house in Mexico every second month to attend to “family business”…he throws girly teenager hissy fits regularly, without warning, and you never know if you’re going to be the next target.

Disclaimer: I’m a Liberal Canadian…pro-Gay Marriage, pro-Equal Rights…if two people want to get married, share benefits, I’m all for it (…but this guy is a total nut job eh?)

Friday, June 17, 2005
If you go out in the woods today…
…you’re sure to get wet! (here in the Lower Mainland anyways). Not sure, but I think summer is going to give us a miss here this year.

Anabella and I are going to Girl Guide Camp tonight. I’ve been a Leader for 5 years now, 3 as a Guide Leader with Zeenee and 2 as a Brownie Leader with bella. I really love it…most of it anyways. Because I joined just after we moved to a new town, it was a great way to meet people and I have a lot of really good friends as a result. A couple of years ago three of us got ahold of some walkie-talkies while driving to camp and nicknamed ourselves Guider Bob, Guider Jim and Guider Dave (I’m Dave)….”Come in Guider Bob, Guider Bob, ten-four good buddy….” We sure could have used those walkie-talkies last year when I followed Bob over the U.S. border whilst heading for a camp in Canada! We had to line up and go through customs to get back into our own country…..those border guards have NO sense of humour either. Yeah, people actually entrust their daughters to us….*scary*

Anyways, at least we’re sleeping in a lodge and not in the tents. That’s one of the benefits of Brownies…we stay dry.

One thing that does drive me nuts though are some of the parents. I swear some of them only send their daughters to camp for the cheap babysitting…30 bucks isn’t a bad deal for two nights and three squares a day. I actually had one parent call me last night and ask if it was too late to sign her daughter up for this weekend. Hmm, let’s see. I gave you the notices 4 weeks ago and asked for them back by June 2nd, now that we’ve bought the food and all the craft items you want to add another body?...don’t think so. Some kids these days aren’t doing a very good job of raising their parents!

Time until I’m back with my family: 1 hour, 54 minutes (but only until after dinner, then it’s off to camp!)

Laundry List: I’m hoping Zeenee will do it while I’m away…fingers crossed!

I’m not a nice enough person to be a receptionist…
…because I put people on hold and then I swear at them or I say things like “you can hold for the rest of your damned life for all I care” after they ask to hold instead of going to voicemail. One of my bosses goes absolutely ape if you put anybody through to his voicemail and he won’t let us e-mail him his messages. They have to be written on those little pink message pads with the exact time and date and delivered to his desk within ten minutes of the call. I swear at him behind his back too…

Thursday, June 16, 2005
Office Crafts
Do you ever find yourself folding a post-it note into a crane? Or working a paperclip into a stick-man?

Ever taped your nose up into a pig-snout using Scotch tape?

Have you ever gathered all the holes from your hole punch, tossed them in the air and thrown yourself an impromptu wedding?

Me neither....just checking....

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 5 minutes

Laundry list: 2 loads of darks, 1 whites.....iron pants wrinkled in wash 5 weeks ago.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Cough, cough, snort, snort
I guess this isn't my typical cold....I've been coughing and snuffing since Thursday and it actually feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

I stayed home sick with Budgie yesterday. He's got this cold too....we dragged our quilts into the living room and napped and vegged all day. It's the most time I've gotten to spend with him all at once for a loooooong was actually a nice way to spend the day, even if we were sick.

He almost gave me a heart attack on Friday night. We'd gone to the park to take Anabella to field hockey practice and he'd brought his scooter. Think 7 year old on scooter, big hill, high speeds....and you know how this ends. I could see him faltering about halfway down....he went down like a rag doll with his shoes flying off in two different directions....I had to run 500m in flip flops (fat girl running in flip flops, not a nice picture!). Thankfully the worst he suffered was a skinned knee and elbow, but I was thinking much worse cause I saw his head hit the ground (I thought his glasses would be totalled!)

At least the first aid kit I put in the van 2 years ago paid for itself...

Friday, June 10, 2005
My node is stubbed up
I have a mother of a cold coming on…..woke up this morning and my throat was all scratchy, my nose is stuffed and I’m already coughing. I don’t have time to be sick…sick is for kids and husbands. I’ll take a big dose of Benelyn for Flu tonight and hopefully it will have subsided a bit by morning….

I can only hope so cause Anabella has a FH game at 8:15 tomorrow morning and I have to stand there and scream half-coherent things at 14 girls (12 of whom I don’t know, so I have to scream their numbers) with all the other parents after only one cup of coffee and a bowl of Cheerios. They say that kids in team sports only hear 10% of what their parents scream at them from the sidelines. I sure hope that’s true because at 8:15 on a Saturday morning 90% of what I’m yelling is pure crapola….

“Run An, run! Shoot! Shoot! Lord deliver me back to my bed! Pass! Over to her…uhmm number 12! What?! That didn’t hit her foot! Stupid Ref! More coffee, stat!”

Time until I’m back with my family: 2 hours, 23 minutes

Loads of laundry waiting at home: 4, 521,893

Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Budgie threw a fit this morning. “You work all the time. You never come to my field trips or visit my classroom. Now you won’t even take me to the family dance!” (my heart broke – I didn’t need THAT 5 minutes before I was leaving the house) Guess I’ll have to find a way to fit the family dance in on Friday night, along with taking Anabella to field hockey practice and keeping up with the deal I made with Zeenee to walk/run every night (she runs, I walk…..our old dog hobbles beside us). I should go to the dance anyways, do the chicken dance and the Macarena with Budgie….I could use the exercise!

My husband, Ryk, has been on the afternoon shift this week and god have I ever missed him (I have great respect for single parents). I haven’t managed to get the kids showered, snacked, brushed and in bed on-time once this week…..guess I’ve realized that he’s the authority on bedtimes. He hasn’t worked this shift since we moved from North Vancouver in 2000… was really hard then, having a baby and a toddler. He used to work 4:00 pm to 2:30 am, get up with the kids at 7:30 the next day (I was working days) and take Zeenee to school. We never even saw each other until Fridays and then he was so tired and grumpy that it wasn’t even worth talking to him until Saturday afternoon. He must have forgotten how taxing it was on him too, because he’s tried to cram too much into his days this week when he should have been sleeping. He thought he could fit in taking stuff to the dump, buying more wood for the fence, competing in a poker tournament….who needs sleep anyways? He’s gonna be a bear this Friday. Big saying in our house: “Don’t poke the bear!”

Was reading at Blog Explosion today (who me on the internet at work?) and came across a blog that I’ve read a few times…..this chick is a great read, especially if you’re totally frustrated with life and work (as I constantly am)…..I’m adding her to my sidebar…warning, bad language (just in case my mom’s reading or something).

Time until I’m back with my family: 3 hours, 12 minutes

Monday, June 06, 2005
Monday Haiku
Sun comes out Monday
When we’ve all gone back to work
Weekends it won’t shine

Time left until I’m with my family again: 8 hours, 7 minutes

Loads of laundry left over from weekend: 3

Sunday, June 05, 2005
Sunday Feature: Recommended Reading
Starting today, I'm going to reserve Sundays for recommending sites I enjoy.

The Cyber Soap Box is a Bulletin Board site I have been going to almost since its birth five years ago. Its creator Garaelb is an awesome guy who wanted to start a board dedicated to free speech. There is NEVER any banning of posters and posts are not censored or edited in any way. At the Cyber Soap Box you'll find many posters from all over the world (even two people, Stroppygob from England and the Hen from Australia, who met on a BB and eventually married!) and topics about everything.

Here is the BB's site profile:

"The CSB is dedicated to the free exchange of information and ideas. This site holds to the philosophy that free speech and thought are natural rights of all people. To that end we offer you (the Reader) this site as a place to express those rights."

Though I hardly ever post there anymore, I still read there almost every day (if I do post it's under the name "deepsix").

Give it a read or even try posting there yourself.....they're very welcoming.

Friday, June 03, 2005
I forgot to patch again!!!
My son Budgie has Amblyopia (lazy eye). I'm telling you this because I'm sitting here at work when it hits me that I didn't put his patch on his eye this morning. Dammit!! A mother at home with her kids would remember such things....she'd be there to look at his face and see the lack of patch on the left eye. Instead, I'm left sitting here at work worrying about the degeneration of his eye condition. His teacher has called me a couple of times to remind me that I didn't put his patch on that morning. She finally suggested that maybe I could stick a couple of spare ones in his backpack. Why didn't I think of that.....because my poor head is so cluttered with lists and work and dreams that I don't stop to just plan things out a little better for myself.

How great things could be if I'd just take the time at night to sign the kid's planners, write out permission slips, write cheques for fundraising items...

I'm going to put that item on my list to implement this weekend. I think I have an opening at 4:33 on Sunday morning!

Thursday, June 02, 2005
Desperate 2 B Housewife vs. HTML
So, had a huge argument with my template last week....lost that fight. I tried to install something on my HTML template and I must have erased one little > or # or * (who knows?) and poof, my whole blog was erased.

I panicked! I screamed! I hit the monitor with my ruler! Then I calmly wrote a letter to the help desk asking them to help me restore my blog. Sadly they probably get a million requests a day for no luck. Then my husband (bless him, he's brilliant!) suggested I just change the selection of the template....ALAKAZAM!!! I'm blogging again!

Good news! I have figured out a way that I can slowly work towards being at home more with my kids. A few weeks ago I stumbled on the art of Affiliate Marketing . In a nut shell, it works like this. An Affiliate Marketer finds a topic they’re interested in, builds a content rich website about the topic and links to web stores and sites with a common theme. When someone clicks through the AF’s site and purchases from the linked store, the affiliate gets a commission. I’m so excited because I have an awesome topic in mind and I can’t find anything like it in the search engines.

I now have to decide whether to go with Site Build It or James Martell as my primary source of information. They’re both really good guides in their own way.

Either way, this is my escape hatch…..a way out of the 9 to 5 grind, even if it does take me a couple of years to get there….

Desperate 2 B Housewife will succeed!!!