Wednesday, November 30, 2005
My Kingdom For a Slurpee
...and salt N' vinegar chips, a king-sized Mars bar, teriyaki beef jerky and a lime popsicle.

Do I sound like a pig? Like someone gone insane from hunger? Well, I am.

Yesterday started with me jumping out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to a spinning room...followed by much vomiting...followed by...well, that's all you really need to know. I didn't keep a thing down, including water, for over 24 hours. Looks like I had a bad case of the stomach flu.

Even calling in sick to work was unenjoyable. Lord knows I'd rather be bored in my little cubicle-from-hell than parched and sore from leaning over the big white telephone, calling Huey all the live-long-day!

Since my appetite came back around 10:30 this morning I've eaten nearly everything in the house...cheese, digestive cookies, granola bars, bagel, 3 cups of tea, 2 glasses of iced tea, more cheese...I guess it can happen when you've been deprived of all food and even water for a whole day.

The saddest thing is I opened my new tin of Scout poppy-cock popcorn and ate a few handfuls of that...boo, hoo, I only bought one tin...and now it'll be gone before Christmas.

Actually, at this rate...it'll be gone before December 1st!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: They're all coming back around now...school's out and I'm home.

Laundry List: I can't even look at this item right now.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality." (I thought it was appropriate to today's topic)


Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Monday, November 28, 2005
He didn't really say that...did he?
So...had coffee come flying out my nose this morning. Was reading
the following in my local paper...

A man took multiple bullets to the torso in a double shooting outside a Coquitlam apartment complex yesterday and collapsed inside on a resident's doorstep.

The 39-year-old Maple Ridge man and a 25-year-old man who lives in the complex were shot just before 7 a.m.

The younger victim remained by the shabby complex's pebbled-concrete front stairs
next to the sidewalk.

The older man made it through the front doors, which have a broken lock, and ended up on a unit's doorstep.

His loud moans drew Andrei Gavrilas, 21, down the hall from his one-bedroom apartment.

"I heard his cries, luckily," said Gavrilas, who was just going to sleep after playing video games all night.

The man on the floor was bleeding heavily from six bullet wounds to the chest and abdomen, Gavrilas said.

"I plugged his gaps," he said. "I took some Bounty [paper towels], the quicker picker-upper, and applied some pressure to his wounds.

"He was conscious, but feeling like he was dying. He said he got shot in the heart. He could feel it -- he couldn't breathe.

"He was trying to get up. He was on his back and he was rolling around, like a pig, like a piece of game that just got shot."

Outside by the stairs, the other man lay immobile, with two bullet wounds in his torso, he said.

That victim, a resident of the Parkside apartments in the 1000-block King Albert Avenue, is "a pretty quiet guy," Gavrilas said.


What the hell?! Who talks like that? The guy must have been under a lot of stress or on drugs..."I plugged the holes with Bounty...the quicker, picker upper" ???!!!

That hurts...coffee through the nasal passages...ouch!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 7 hours, 30 minutes.

Laundry List: One load! (D2bH runs around like a boxer after a victory fight...)


Friday, November 25, 2005
Hazlenut Winter Coat Mocha...with whip
Just went in the kitchen and made myself a Hazlenut coffee/hot chocolate mocha...oh sweet mother of pearl...Y.U.M.! We have one of those single cup coffee makers here at work, where you choose the flavour of coffee you want to drink, put the k-cup in and press the button...whoever invented it should get the Nobel Peace Prize...brilliant person!

I'm in the doghouse at home...I'm a winter coat loser.

Last year I lost my winter fleece coat (black...in case you found it) AND I left Budgie's winter coat at Tim Horton's (navy/white, size 7...in case you found it). Never mind that Timmy's is only blocks away...I never bothered to go back for it...

Two weeks ago I left "He's" winter fleece (also black...in case you found it) hanging on the rack at my dentist's office. I just walked out of my appointment coatless...very easy to do if you grew up in the minus 30 temperatures of Alberta and are now living in the tropics of Vancouver. It hardly ever dips below zero here...who needs a coat...I wear a bikini everywhere I go (eew!). Every morning I would remember to stop by after work and get the coat...and every evening I would drive home as usual. When I called the dentist on Tuesday to see if they still had it, they said they'd never even seen it! (liars...I hear dentists are major cleptos...I saw my dentist the other day in the BMW I lost last year)

Needless to say the cost of my blunders are quickly adding up in the "Cheap Bastard's" head...relations are NOT good...I was hoping to shop this weekend for a haircut and a new blouse for the Christmas party. Instead he's allowing me a buzz-cut in the garage with the dog clippers and a trip to the dumpster in the back alley of the Goodwill store after hours...gosh I hope I can find something nice.

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 42 minutes

Laundry List: Just because I can't navigate my home without bulldozing throught a pile of dirty clothes...doesn't mean I'm behind...not much more than usual anyways.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity happen."


Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Fog, Forgery and Finding Out
The Lower Mainland has been stuck in a dense fog for almost a week now...I feel like I'm living in a Stephen King novel. We went to watch Zeenee and Anabella's soccer games on Sunday and we almost had to run beside them to see the plays. "Is that the Goalie way over there or a zombie?" Zeenee scored a fantastic goal though...big kick from outside the 18 and high over the Goalie's head...I screamed myself horse! (hoarse, whores, horss...sp?)

Speaking of horses...no. Wait. Speaking of forgery...I had to write Zeenee's friend Nita a note this morning to get her out of class for a dental appointment. We were almost at school when she blurts out that she forgot her note at home that her mom wrote. I wasn't about to turn around and take her all the way home...I had to be at work in 30 minutes and I had like 45 minutes of traffic to deal with before I got here. So I whipped out a piece of paper and wrote her a note...signed her Mom's name to it...hope I spelled her mother's name right. It occurred to me that I could start a business...Mrs. D2bH, Proprietor...exams, term papers, excuse notes...cheap, fast, while you wait.

Speaking of waiting...no. Speaking of finding out...Anabella finally figured out the Santa thing last night. She revealed that she knew what we were going out shopping for last night before we left her with her big sister. She also said she knew we were the Tooth Fairy too. The funniest part was when I was leaving to go shopping and after I had sworn her to secrecy about not telling her brother...under penalty of death...she looks at me with a face full of shock..."Oh my gosh! You're the Easter Bunny too!" she blurts.

Speaking of Easter Bunnies...no, this time it's clean teeth...has anybody else tried those Oral B Brush Ups? I used my first one this morning...fresh and minty. The thing that struck me most when I opened the package though was that the product looked strangely like a maxi-pad for a teeny-tiny woman...except it was wing-less!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 8 hours

Laundry List: I'm sure there's lots, but it's Tuesday...the craziest night of the week at my house...it's NOT getting done tonight.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."


Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Friday, November 18, 2005
Something weird happened Monday morning...
While dropping Zeenee off at school the other day, an odd thing happened. Perhaps I should say a REALLY odd thing happened. An event of epic proportions never before seen by a parent with a teenager on this green earth.

Zeenee and Nita got out of the van with their usual, "thanks for the ride Mrs. D2bH" and "thanks Mom!" Then they joined their friends that were just getting out of the truck in front of me. Because there was too much traffic in the parking lot for me to pull out immediately, I kind of just sat and watched the girls for a moment. Not to say I dared to look directly at them for more than about 2 seconds each...didn't want to break parent/teen code [EEW6.4(a)]...but as I was glancing at Zeenee's friend Maggie who had just joined them...MAGGIE TURNED AROUND AND WAVED AT ME!!!

Now, Maggie is a great kid...a brilliant soccer player, a very talented singer (I'll be there in line after her parents to buy her first single) and a beautiful girl. What I didn't know about Maggie was her propensity to be lured by "the Dark Side". I mean waving at a friend's parent...an old person...in broad daylight? Was she not aware of this completely unacceptable social faux pas?

I'm only telling you this because I was made aware of the "waving" rule [NOT89.1(d)] very early in Zeenee's teen years...Grade 6 to be exact. I picked her up from school one day and the following conversation ensued:

Zeenee getting into the van: "Don't EVER wave at me again!"

D2bH: "What? I waved because I thought you didn't see me."

I saw you!

But you looked like you were looking all over the place for me. You walked by the van three times!

I saw you just fine. I was trying to ignore you...especially after you waved! You shouldn't do that to me Mom, it's embarrassing!

Does this mean the matching sweaters I just bought for you and me are out of the question?

Eew Mom, NO!

What about me picking you up from school in my housecoat and curlers? Is that out? Could we hold hands and skip maybe sometime? Or, next time you can't find me, I could roll down the window and yell, "Over here Little Lamb!!!"

Oh my god...you are so weird...

So, you see, I'm totally schooled on the "waving" rule. There's nothing like having a teenager to encourage you to bring yourself up to code.

Anyways, back to Maggie...after the initial shock of being waved at, then turning around a full 180 degrees in my seat to check that she wasn't, in fact, waving at someone else (let's see...cabdriver? nope, not him...geeky science teacher? nope...must be me then), I turned and waved back. Just one of those little, limp-wristed, dead fish waves. Just so I actually acknowledged she'd seen me...but not so enthusiastic that I embarrassed her...I mean, she'd just outed herself...Maggie the Pariah...who was I to make it worse?

My question is this. Do I call her parents and report this odd behaviour? Suggest intervention? Therapy? Because if it were Zeenee I'd want to know...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 31 minutes

Laundry List: So. So. Much.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not."


Thursday, November 17, 2005
Exactly How I Feel
I just came across this wonderfully written post at Mommybloggers. It was written by Meghan from I'm Ablogging...it's about the guilt she experiences from being a working mother. The whole time I was reading I was thinking "that's exactly how I feel. That's it! I've always felt like that. Yes, I agree. Absolutely!"

Meghan managed to write what I have been feeling since Zeenee was 6 months old and I had to put her in daycare and go back to work...since I had to put Anabella in daycare at 6 months old and go back to work...since I had to put Budgie in daycare at 6 months old and go back to work...14 years of guilt rolled up in a giant snowball that's heading down a steep hill. That guilt doesn't go away...ever...

My kids are all in school full days now and I STILL want to be there for them.

...and this paragraph made me say AMEN:

Is anyone talking about how incredibly hard it is to raise a family and own home with one income? How it keeps getting HARDER? Is anyone talking about how we can help families with limited financial means stay home with their kids? Is anyone talking about women who earn more than their husbands? How these women can handle the incredible amount of guilt they carry for not being the one who has the biggest influence on their children’s day to day activities? For not knowing what their kids had for lunch and how many times they have pooped that day?

Thanks Meghan...for saying it...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 26 minutes

Laundry List: Oh lots, but at least I got off my butt last night and vacuumed and cleaned the living room, bathroom, hallway and catbox (so she wouldn't scratch my eyes out..."every two days lady or I end you" says Pizza Maria)...so less cleaning for Saturday...that's always good.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."


Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Parking Lot Massacre
Usually so confident, the woman felt uncomfortable due to the red minivan following so closely on her heels as she crossed the vast parking lot of the childrens' hospital with her son that crisp November day. When she first stepped out onto the pavement she had noticed the frazzled-looking, redheaded woman at the wheel. She seemed to be mouthing vulgarities as her arms flailed wildly with obscene gestures. The van-woman frightened her, so as the vehicle followed her pace had picked up to the point that she eventually grabbed her son's hand and jogged to their Lexus SUV at the far end of the parking lot. The parking spot was tight, so she carefully but quickly piled her son into the car and jumped in herself. Luckily, she had taken the time to back into the spot this morning when she arrived. This made her exit from the parking space expedient and the crazy van-woman was easily left behind...she was safe, save for her rapidly beating heart at the thought of their near-escape from tragedy...


  • the crazy van-woman had entered the parking lot at 10:15 a.m. and, at 10:45 a.m. had yet to find a place to park

  • the crazy van-woman had, upon entering the parking lot, taken a ticket from the machine therefore starting the clock ticking on the very-expensive-Vancouver-parking-prices

  • the crazy van-woman had driven around and around and around the vast parking lot for 25 minutes never finding a parking spot

  • the crazy van-woman didn't want a George Costanza spot (translation: a good spot)

  • the crazy van-woman wanted ANY parking spot

  • the crazy van-woman had by this point missed eight chances to park by not being in the right place at the right time...therefore other people WHO HAD JUST ENTERED THE PARKING LOT took those available spaces

  • the crazy van-woman had yelled vulgarities at them all. with her windows closed. so only she heard them. thankfully her son in the back had headphones on. and only Homer Simpson on the DVD was poisoning his mind.

  • then the crazy van-woman hatched a plan. she would follow her victim from the front doors of the hospital to wherever they were parked. and take their space.

  • the crazy van-woman followed the lady with her son...who eventually got scared and ran to her vehicle.

  • the crazy van-woman did not want to steal her child. judging by his private school uniform she couldn't afford him.

  • the crazy van-woman did not want to rob the Lexus SUV driving woman. she's crazy, but not that crazy.

  • the crazy van-woman simply wanted to park.

  • the crazy van-woman should have parked at her house 35km away and walked.

  • the crazy van-woman paid more for parking that day than she paid for lunch!



(this happened yesterday to my friend, crazy van-woman, when she took her son Budgie to the childrens' hospital for his specialist eye appointment. Budgie's eyesight has progressed from 20/200 to 20/80. This was good news for the crazy van-woman and her husband.)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 41 minutes

Laundry List: lots of loads are parked beside the washing machine

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like: Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me? or: Do you have that $50 you borrowed? Man, quit being so cheap!"

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Monday, November 14, 2005
The following takes place between one a.m. and two a.m.
While watching an episode of "24" last night. Season 3.

D2bH: I should have been an Arms Dealer.

He: What?

I should have been an Arms Dealer. Being a Secretary is so boring. Don't you think being an Arms Dealer sounds exciting?

Mmmm.

I mean look at the perks. Armani suits, glistening white teeth, your own lear jet, metal brief cases with secret compartments, driving in a Hummer.

Disposable cell phones. Did you see him crush that $500 cell phone with his foot like it was a used cigarette? Dammit, I had to give my $50 cell phone to Zeenee cause I never charged it and you thought I didn't need it anymore...man, a cell phone that you could just crush...like a bug...and no one would call you on that number anymore...that's freedom baby.

Not to mention the big paydays...$100 million bucks a pop...I could buy me another cell phone again maybe.


Okay, it's on again. You can't go talking through the commercials, cause there are no commercials...this is on DVD you know.

I know...I hate DVD's. Everytime we rent one they're scratched and they skip...pee me off, we miss half the movie forwarding to a spot with no scratches. We never once had that happen with VHS. If I was an Arms Dealer I'd have only VHS in my lear jet. I'd revolutionize the way Arms Dealers watched movies the world over!

Dammit! I just missed what Jack said...will you stop talking?!

I think that baby that Chloe brought into CTU is bugged. You watch, that baby is gonna get on her cell phone and talk to the Arms Dealer when Kim walks away from that desk...then she'll probably crush that cell phone like a bug...don't leave any evidence there girl...it'll probably be a nice cell phone too.

Vick! Can we just watch this?

Sorry! Just trying to make things better for us financially...

(The episode ends and Zeenee is on IM furiously typing to her friends)

Your mother wants to be an Arms Dealer. She wants to sell guns and bombs and spread viruses all over the world. What do you think of that?

Zeenee: Mmmm.Mmmm. (shrug)

When you put it like that you make it sound so sordid. You don't have to be jealous...It's not like I wouldn't let you ride on my lear jet once in a while. I could pick you up from your boring job, we could quickly do a deal and then off to our hideout in Columbia for dinner. Man, 100 million dollars on a Monday...I wouldn't have to work for at least another month! Of course I'd have to put some fuel in the jet...jet fuel isn't cheap you know...then I could get another cell phone...search out some new leads on saleable arms.

You'd like to ride on my lear jet right Zeenee? I'd let you hold the metal breifcase.


(Zeenee shrugs...and feverishly types an SOS to her friends. "Help me, the 'rents are at it again!")

How does someone get started in the Arms Dealer business do you think?

I think first off you should have actually held a gun at least once in your life. Actually shooting one is probably a prerequisite. And I think you have to be able to identify different weapons. Growing up in Canada probably hasn't helped you much in that department.

Like the difference between an AK47 and a Beretta?

Yeah, which is which Ms. Arms Dealer?

One of them is a handgun, I know that for sure.

(eyeroll)

I wonder if they have an apprenticeship program...


Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 2 minutes

Laundry List: Arms Dealers don't do laundry...or even take their own Armani suits to the cleaners.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.


Friday, November 11, 2005
A Day To Reflect
We are off to the Cenotaph today. Bella and I are marching with the Girl Guides and Budgie is marching with the Scouts. Complaints about the rain will not be permitted. We've already talked about how the soldiers had to be out in inclement weather for days and weeks at a time...not just an hour like we'll do today.

I'm glad my children have the opportunity to do it...to march and listen and watch. I'm not sure they grasp the full magnitude of it...I don't know if I even do.

...but what a gift those Veterans gave us...


Wednesday, November 09, 2005
More Brilliant Bloggers
I'm telling you, there are some absolutely hilarious and smart bloggin women out there in netville. Here's a few I've been reading lately (but not at work...never at work).

Meghan from I'm Ablogging, Jenny from Three Kid Circus and Jenn from Mommy Needs Coffee have collaborated on:



...which is, I have to say, a brilliant idea. They're all such talented bloggers on their own and now they've made a place for all Mommy Bloggers to converge...LOVE. IT.

Through Mommybloggers I found Grace of
Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare. Funnier stuff may not be available for this cut-throat price anywhere else!

And, thanks to a recent comment, I present to you Crouching Mommy, Hidden Laundry. The title alone tickles my gigglebone...I'm wondering if she could hide my laundry too...maybe?

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 36 minutes

Laundry List: Hopefully it will be HIDDEN when I get home!

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Fubared the blog again...
You can always tell when D2bH has effed up the blog again can't you? I have to pick a new template every time I mess the old one up, so I can restore everything back to normal again. I tried to add some new bloggers to my sidebar (I added Mommy Bloggers...with an image no less...yay me!) and rearrange others. Anyways, my fat fingers must have deleted some important code cuz my sidebar ended up at the bottom left and the rest of the blog was stretched...

I'm gonna ask Santa for a new Typepad blog and my own domain name this Christmas. I hope he can fit the entire internet down my chimney...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 10 minutes

Laundry List: It's still there...I need a Star Trek-like transporter to get me home during my breaks, so I can stick a load in here and there. Now that's an invention baby!

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.


Better on a Tuesday...and a new mantra to boot!
So no weeping today. Seems like a good sleep, thanks in part to Advil Liquigels, cured a great deal of my angst. "He" and I were at least conversing in clipped fragments last night and I got to hug the kids extra-lots at bedtime, as they were both (bella & Budge) very cuddly and giggly...Zeenee is no longer cuddly at 14, but she always gives me a big hug before bed.

To clarify about my mother. I don't hate her...I do actually like her sometimes. She is a generous person when it comes to buying things for the kids and she is a talented crafter. It's just that she goes overboard on the crafting...to the point that there are stamps and paper and cutters and brads and hole punches and bits and bobs all over the dining room, living room, kitchen and entry hall. She has a dedicated scrapbook room that is soooooo incredibly full of stuff that she will never get around to using, that she can't work in there...there's no surface that isn't cluttered with stuff. I often wonder if she isn't a diseased shopaholic. She is an impulse buyer that's for sure. Add to that the fact that she was cursed with the lazy gene and it's a formula for driving your daughter -- who is so polar opposite -- off the deep end of the canyon! She can spend an entire day in front of the television scrapbooking and cardmaking...so when I come home from an 8 hour day to a sinkfull of dirty breakfast dishes, I see red. "No Mom, I don't really want to see what you've created today. I'm a little busy with the incredible amount of housework you've left for me!"

You know what. If she and my dad were in their own little house again and we had a home of our own and we could all go back to Thursday night dinners over at Granny's, there would be so much more harmony in that relationship. If she weren't in my life 24/7 (as opposed to 27/7 like I typed yesterday in my mad rant), looking over my shoulder, peanut-gallery-parenting behind me as I talk to my kids...I could love her again as my Mom...my quirky, never been good at housework, but loves me just the same Mom.

I miss that Mom and want her back. I don't want to resent her every move.

So here's my new mantra...as given to me by my wonderful, but stubborn as I am, husband:

Being married for 14 years and having 3 great kids are not poor decisions no matter what the consequences have been and will be.

Something I have to keep in mind every time I want to run screaming from the building. Wash, rinse, repeat...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 24 minutes.

Laundry List: 1-2 loads

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: I don't pretend to have all the answers, I don't even pretend to know all the questions.. Hey, where am I?


Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Monday, November 07, 2005
And my son can make it all better...
I picked Budgie up from Beavers tonight. They had had a Veteran come and talk to them about the war and show them a movie.

He must have really been listening because he was regaling me with stories about fox holes and a bad man named Hitler who wanted to take over the world.

"And Mom there was this other country who wanted to take over the world too."

"Japan?"

"Yeah Japan...and Mom, they named a bomb after me. The Adam Bomb!"


...yes, I've already submitted it to Reader's Digest.

Desperate to be a Housewife


Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


...but oh the weeping
I have spent ALL DAY sitting behind my cubicle wall continually weeping, crying, blowing my nose. Thank goodness I have a cold...nobody has come to investigate my utter nervous breakdown.

It started with a fight between me and he this morning when I was dropping him off at the train...every time I think about it I cry...all day! Puffy, puffy eyes...

It was a stupid fight...one of those where I say something and he explodes. Then he says something and I clam up...crap, I hate those fights.

Gosh, I really think this living with my parents 27/7 is having a major toll on me...I get sooooo angry every day. It's not like we just started doing it...it's been almost 6 years now. I just continually feel like the biggest, dumbest, loser...

My parents are such slobs, clutter bugs...they wouldn't care about living in filth if we didn't do all the cleaning. I've only been covering for them since I was eight...since my Dad taught me to vacuum and to clean the bathroom (you'd think that someone's mother might teach those skills hey? Not mine) I was always so ashamed at the way we lived that I would race around cleaning the house when they invited people over, when I was expecting my friends over. I had friends whose mothers vacuumed EVERY DAY...not once a week like I did. I have friends now whose houses sparkle...who are never afraid to have you knock on their door at a moment's notice and come in for a visit. Not my house...not ever my house...I try to make sure people are NEVER invited...our kitchen is shameful...our walls are grey (not from paint...from lack of it).

My mother hasn't picked up a broom in twenty years and I'll bet she wouldn't even know how to start the vacuum...I know exactly where she'll be when I get home and, short of a power failure, what will be playing on the TV. She'll be in her Lazyboy (aptly named for her) watching Oprah....EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR SIX YEARS!!! It's really awful that I'm 33 years old and I don't like my mother...I guess I still love her, but I don't like her...I certainly don't want to be like her. I really feel awful for Zeenee, because she takes a lot of shit from my mother and I know she doesn't like her very much either. That's an awful thing to grow up disliking your own Grandmother.

I spend every weekend cleaning my part of the house and theirs...and for what? I don't own the house...I will never own the house...

So why do I continue to care? I think because I don't want Zeenee and Anabella and Budgie to be ashamed of where they live...to not have friends over because the bathroom is dirty or the floor isn't swept. I do it for them...certainly not for my parents sake...for their sake.

So that's what all the fights have been about lately. Why can't we escape? When will we ever have our privacy back. When will we ever have our little family of five back again...just us?

This is what I ended up writing to him today...after our second fight on the phone this time...

I'm sorry that I get mad every single day from living in a cluttered ugly hellish house that I don't dare EVER invite anybody over to.

I'm sorry that I do load after load after load after load of laundry ALL THE TIME!

I'm sorry that you cut lawn after lawn after lawn after lawn ALL THE TIME!

I'm sorry that we spend EVERY hour of every weekend cleaning a rotten ugly house that nobody appreciates.

I'm sorry that we try to have pride of ownership and we don't own ANYTHING!

I'm sorry that we live with the Devil and Mr. Satan and that they're lazy pig slobs!

I'm sorry that we can't afford to do anything else.

I'm sorry that we are continually road blocked by poor decisions that we have continually made.

I'm sorry that you don't want to listen to me.

I'm sorry that I don't listen to you.

I'm not sorry that I have you and Zeenee and Anabella and Budgie.

But I hate the rest of my fucking life! And everyday I want to scream and run away. But every day I just suck it all in until I'm so totally steamed that I want to explode...and I do another load of laundry and drive our kids to another activity.

Sound familiar?


...and then, in the midst of writing this, I get the following response:

I am sorry that no matter what I ever do or tried to do will ever get you to look at all that we have in a positive light.

Being married for 14 years and having 3 great kids are not poor decisions no matter what the consequences have been and will be.


And oh, more weeping...good job this box of tissues is jumbo.

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 7 minutes

Laundry List: Lots


Friday, November 04, 2005
Pathetic
Is it pathetic to dig through your desk looking for spare change because you can't stand to face the "frozen entree" you brought from the depths of your deep-freeze for lunch? Is it normal to have wild, passionate, longings for a Wendy's cheeseburger?

I did it anyways...and I managed to scrape together the $5.02 that I know it will cost (it's pathetic really that I know the exact price right?). I can't debit it...my husband the "Cheap Bastard" (he knows I call him that) follows me on the internet via our bank account. "What did you buy at Safeway?" (uhm food so we could eat?) "What did you buy at Chevron?" (uhm gas so we could drive?) "What did you buy at Zellers for $10.00?" (these stupid pants I'm wearing that I thought I was getting such a good deal on, but look like wheat coloured potato sacks hanging off my legs!)

He's not really that bad anymore -- he's an awesome budgeter -- and the reason we get to go to Vegas next year (yay He!)...but you can never outgrow such a catchy title as "Cheap Bastard"...eh?

Off to Wendy's for my healthy lunch...no calories if you eat it after 9:00 am!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 27 minutes

Laundry List: Lots, but it's the weekend so it's to be expected.

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Jeans - not my best friend anymore
I just tried to put my favourite jeans on to go out tonight to a meeting. Gaa! They wouldn't fit around my midsection...I must be retaining water and, as a result, retaining much pent up, hostile anger!

This is all Old Navy's fault...they sold me the damned jeans! Since when do jeans shrink after two years of wear? Since they put that microchip in the jeans so they would shrink after a certain time...and you would put them on and think they don't fit anymore...and you would go to Old Navy and buy a new pair.

It's a CONSPIRACY I tell you!!!

Time until I'm back with my family: I'm here now...but going out to a Guider's meeting that will take the rest of my evening. "It's only an hour a week" they told me when they signed me up for this Girl Guide cult!

Laundry list: There's none in the laundry room, so I must have it all done right? Right? There can't be anything lurking in kids' rooms can there?

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say: That's dynamite, baby."


Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Stats Nov. 2005 - Admin. Ave.
My final October stats for Administrative Avenue were impressive!

Oct 05 Visits 999 Visitors 720 Page Views 1892
Sep 05 Visits 360 Visitors 250 Page Views 684
Aug 05 Visits 106 Visitors 53 Page Views 190

My income for the month was $27.71...$3.29 short of a dollar a day! Not bad for the first month of actually monetizing the site!

As Ken Envoy from SBI! likes to stress: "We do things the way of the tortoise -- slowly, methodically" -- I won't get rich quick...but I'll get more comfortable within the first year...Hey, who couldn't use a couple of hundred extra bucks a month right?

Well, back to building content, content, content...

Site Build It!


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