Thursday, December 29, 2005
Pour Me
Ow, ow, ow! The heartburn is horrible today! Good thing my boss buys the all-you-can-eat sized bucket'o Tums at Costco because...ow!

I'm thinking I may have to give up drinking tea...it seems to be the root cause of the annoying heat rising up from my esophagus (sp?). Ha, after reading this my MIL is now rocking in a corner, crouched in the fetal position whilst banging her head on the wall...give up tea? Would a person just give up breathing?

The very reason I'm my MIL's favourite daughter-in-law, besides the fact that I wear the title by default of being married to her only son, is that I'm a tea totaller like her. When we first met 17 years ago we were both pleased to discover that we had something very in common...the fact that we can't get through a day without at least six cups of tea (and that's the BARE minimum)...TETLEY's only...milk and sugar (she has since given up the sugar...I can't do it). This is the correct way to make it:

  • Prepare it by the pot only, not by the cup

  • Rinse the pot with boiling water before adding tea bags

  • Milk in the cup first, then pour the tea. Watch the many bubbles appear on the surface (GiGi, MIL's Mom, said the bubbles were money..."I'm rich!")

  • Serve with vast quantities of cookies, bars, chocolates, toast, potato chips, turkey sandwiches or whatever food is on hand.


I guess by making it here at work I'm doing it all wrong. I don't have access to boiling water. I have to use the "hot water" tap on the side of the coffee maker. I don't care how many warnings they put on that sticker about it being piping hot...it's not boiling to 100C...not even close. I only have access to cream at work...no milk...and I can't make tea by the pot here. I have to make it by [*gasp*] the cup.

Maybe I should just give up consuming it at work. If I have three cups in the morning before I leave and 12 cups at night, I'll still make my quota.

You can come out of the corner now MIL...go make yourself a cuppa and relax!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 29 minutes...although they let us go an hour early yesterday and it's looking favourable for today too...hoozah!

Laundry List: It's "pouring" out of the laundry room!

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!


Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Wrapped in a Cloud
It's bright pink and as soft as a hundred Angora bunnies that have been washed in Fleecy and tumbled dried until puffy...minus the guilt.

I got a new housecoat! I will no longer be running naked in the streets...


Friday, December 23, 2005
Foam Weapons
Uttered by Cheap Bastard in my house last night after the Nerf Dart Tag present from my brother was gladly received by Budgie:

"You stop it this minute! First you hit your cousin D point blank, then you fire at your sister when she's unarmed!"

For a minute I felt like we were at some family Christmas gathering hosted by the NRA...


Thursday, December 22, 2005
Seven
From Jenn's Site...and cause I love meme's

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die


  1. Own my own home...where just MY family lives...just the five of us. No evil granny, no renters, no relatives.

  2. Travel with my daughters to Europe (Cheap Bastard doesn't like to do touristy things).

  3. Sort my photos and scrapbook them all.

  4. Write all my kids a letter about how much I love them and all the things they need to know about life and how to get along in the world when I'm gone.

  5. Spoil and love and play with many, many grandchildren (I figure 12-15 isn't too much to ask for!).

  6. Drive across Canada with CB.

  7. Paragliding.



Seven Things I Cannot Do


  1. Eat sushi..aaak!

  2. Draw.

  3. Vote Conservative.

  4. A back handspring...or a front one for that matter!

  5. Lose weight.

  6. Meet every deadline.

  7. Wear nailpolish for more than 10 minutes without a chip.



Seven Things I Admire In My Spouse/Best Friend


  1. That as an 18 year old who had just found out he was going to be a father, he stuck it out with me for the whole bumpy ride. He could have left for greener pastures, but he stayed.

  2. He can cook!

  3. He believes a man should do half of the housework. He can clean!

  4. He's got a fabulous butt!

  5. His ability to balance and maintain a budget.

  6. His love for our children...he would get the "Year's Best Dad Award" from them everytime...they ADORE him.

  7. His love for me...through all the whining and nagging and bitching, he still thinks I was a good catch...I ADORE him.



Seven Things I Say Most Often


  1. Budgie!!!

  2. Because I'm the Mom, that's why!

  3. ZeeneeBellaBudgie...whatever the hell your name is, get over here!

  4. Frickin

  5. Idiot from Hell

  6. No!

  7. I will end you!



Seven Books/Series/Authors I Love


  1. Wally Lamb. I bought "She's Come Undone" on a whim and then didn't read it for two years...was I ever sorry when I dove in and couldn't tear myself away...what a wasted two years!

  2. Stephen King I love his short stories, but I just can't get into the Dark Tower books.

  3. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton -- If I've read this book once, I've read it a hundred times...at least. I own two copies of it, one of them is a paperback that's at least 25 years old.

  4. Angela's Ashes and Tis, by Frank McCourt

  5. Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve

  6. Ann Rule -- I love, love, love true crime.

  7. Judy Blume -- "Forever" was the most requested and tattered book in my Junior High School library (psst, it had sex in it!)...I've read everything by her and am reading the Fudge books to the kids.

  8. Robert Munsch...I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be...


...gaaa! Eight! I could go on forever when it comes to books.


Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again


  1. Shawshank Redemption...B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T

  2. Stand By Me...I was 13 when it came out and River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman and Jerry O'Connell adorned my walls.

  3. Fandango...I don't know why

  4. The Party (with Peter Sellers)..."birdie num nums"

  5. The Sound of Music...of course.

  6. Everafter...the girls and I love this one.

  7. Forrest Gump...we went to this movie with our friend Sharon and I sat through it transfixed...I didn't want it to end. Afterwards Sharon says, "well, that was the biggest piece of crap I've ever seen!" I'll never forgive her!



Seven Songs I Can’t Get Enough Of


  1. Try -- Blue Rodeo

  2. No One Is To Blame -- Howard Jones

  3. Only Living Boy In New York -- Simon & Garfunkel

  4. Photograph -- Nickelback

  5. The Inescapable Us -- Matthew Good Band

  6. What a Good Boy -- Barenaked Ladies

  7. One More Day -- Diamond Rio



Seven People To Tag With This Meme
I don't get enough comments or page views to justify this...nobody would do it anyways (but you are welcome to...yes you, the person that never comments...do let me know if you do and I'll drop over and read). So, I present to you:

Seven Bloggers I Can't Get Enough Of (and why I love em)


  1. Bumblebee Sweet Potato landismom...thanks for all the comments...I love ya girl! I log onto your blog everyday...it's fab!

  2. Mommy Needs Coffee Jenn...you're funny AND you smell good...plus your blog rocks!

  3. Rick Mercer Blog
  4. ...Canadian Comedian...love him...since his show changed to Tuesday nights, I can't ever see it...have you ever thought of podcasting the show Rick?
  5. The Food Whore
  6. ...if your site meter registered someone on your blog for hours at a time last week it was me reading all the archives...you are hilarious girl!
  7. Twinfinate Chaos
  8. ...Laura has TWO sets of twins...under three...and manages to blog anyways...mother of the year anyone?
  9. waiter rant
  10. ...love the waiter, his stories are well written and highly amusing.
  11. Wil Wheaton dot net...cause he's Wil Wheaton (see movie list above) and he sent me a reply to my fanletter back in '85...hey! Just cause it was typed on yellow paper with a photocopied signature, doesn't mean he didn't mean every word...written just for me!




Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 44 minutes

Laundry List: gotta get it done...leaving on Saturday!


Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Just so he's sure...
I was put to work last night wrapping a hand-made gift from Bella and Budgie to their Dad. Then I was given an envelope to attach to the top, on which they wrote:

To: Robert Brown

From: Anabella and Budgie Brown


Just so there's no mistake in ID'ing the senders...


Monday, December 19, 2005
Party at my place...maybe?
So we drove out to White Rock yesterday to view this. Summed up it's a beautiful, tiny (9000 sq. ft) lottery home worth a mere $3.5 million.

I love a good showhome...it's probably the fascination with the beautiful CLEAN, NEW, GORGEOUS interiors, where you know a perfect little family is going to make their home, raise their kids, have wonderful little dinner parties and backyard barbeques...sans "evil granny" or any of her filth...oh how I crave that!

Anyway, when we win it...which we will (I'm covering my ears now...you can't take away my dreams...la, la, la, la, la, la, can't hear you!). As I was saying, when we win it AND before we sell it, we're having a knock-out kegger-poker-muchboozeandschmooze party so all of our friends can come over and oogle at our ocean view, butler pantry, stadium sized guest bathroom and master suite that, on its own, wouldn't fit in our 2,000 sq. ft. home. BUT...BUT!!! in order to sell this fine property at a premium, we have decided that the ropes blocking most of the room entrances will remain in place (no, just like the people who toured our fine home, you also will not be allowed to perch on the furniture!). Hey, I have big plans for that 3.5 million...plan numero uno being getting "evil granny" her own home, far, far away from mine...I'm currently shopping around for the perfect fridge box.

But just so ya'll know you're invited to the party...and now you have the address.

...back to our adventure...

So we arrive (54 minute drive) and score a parking spot right outside the door (Kostanza!!!), take off our shoes on the front porch and walk into the biggest, most pretentious, Taj-mahal-esque foyer we've ever seen. We walk exactly four miles and turn right into the dining room (think I saw Queen E at the other end of the table...couldn't tell though, she was just a speck at that distance). From there we crossed the gymnasium sized hallway to the BUTLER's PANTRY (cause my butler's waiting in the car) that's easily the size of my own kitchen.

It's at this point that Budgie announces that he has to pee. Yes, you heard it here first...the boy had to pee. In the middle of my drooling over 6 inch deep baseboards and pillows that matched the candles that matched the toilet paper...the boy had to pee! (how many times do I tell him to go before we leave...how many times!) For anyone that has, or has had, a 7 year old BOY you are well aware that this species cannot hold it for more than about 10 seconds. Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!

Of course the lottery ticket salesman sitting behind the bar (your favourite pub is nothing compared) was no help...no, we couldn't use any of the toilets (all oh...9 of them!) and no, they had nowhere for the public to use the facilities. Short of asking him where the lottery staff went pee-pee, instead I huffed away and requested that Cheap Bastard take Budgie outside to water a tree...no go, Cheap Bastard would have none of it. Instead, we had to run through the entire remaining 8,500 square feet of house at a sprinter's pace viewing the Olympic sized kitchen, three living rooms, den, mudroom, two staircases (back and front!), three bedrooms (with their own bathrooms!), master suite-stadium and an extra conference room-sized palace on the third floor that was oddly void of furniture...actually, I think the furniture suppliers of Vancouver were tapped out from outfitting the rest of the house. Oh and screw the ocean view! I only read about that on the website...I didn't get to see it with my own eyes. I know the house definately had windows, but I didn't get to stop and look out of any of em.

We vaulted out to the porch, slipped our feet into some shoes (sorry if those were your size 8 Nikes), dashed to the van (gave up that parking spot...sniff!) and blew out of that street like bank robbers after a foiled hold-up...and I sulked and sniffed and whined..."God, what a stupid craptacular life we have. We drive for an hour to get here. An hour! Then we spend under five minutes looking at the place. Kids! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!!"

We pull up to a stand of trees and Budgie gets out to pee...and instead of getting out with him Cheap Bastard yells from the van:

"Budgie! Go further into the trees! No, no don't stop there. We can still see you! Behind that tree over there! Oh forget it..."

Budgie stands out in the open, unzips and lets loose a stream...and pees, and pees, and pees...for like five minutes! Then he turns his head and gives us the most adorable "look at how much I'm peeing" giggle-smile...

...and I think, "oh my craptacular life...who would trade this?"


Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 50 minutes AND my brother Freddie Fortine is coming home from Kingston where he's stationed...yaaaahooo!!!

Laundry List: Way too much left from the weekend...maybe my butler will do it.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Tales of Holiday Cheer
You can tell you never dress up for work or leave a good "fashion" impression on your co-workers when three people comment on your outfit in the first 1/2 hour on the job. One of our suppliers is bringing in holiday lunch for the whole office today, so I thought I'd put on a nice jacket for the occassion. Someone commented that they'd never seen me wear this pink jacket before...I won't tell them that I bought it especially for going on interviews last year when I was so bogged down with this job and ready to crack! "Oh, this old thing? I've had it ages. Got it on sale!"

---------------

We went to Bella and Budgie's Christmas Concert at school last night. Yes, it was a Christmas concert...I think it's one of the only schools I know of that still lets the kids sing "Away in a Manger" and "Silent Night"...heaven forbid we should celebrate Christ-mas at this time of year! Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that once your kids get past Kindergarten or Grade 1 the whole concert thing is just a chore you have to attend to...baa humbug! Your kids just aren't the cute ones anymore and after hearing the same songs from the same teachers for the last 6 years (since Zeenee was in Grade 3), you spend most of your time looking at your watch or making catty comments about the choir teacher who menacingly snapped her fingers through an entire torturous three-part round that they clearly didn't have enough time to practice...must have been the teachers' job action in October...threw them off...cause the whole concert was underpracticed...baa humbug!

The most exciting part was when a Kindergarten kid threw up from the top riser and her mom whisked her off the stage...the Kindergarten teacher never even noticed the commotion, but you could see the kids who were standing next to the puke for the rest of the song turning green. Good stuff I tell you!

Well, only three more years of that torture...then Budgie goes to middle school...AND if he's not in band or choir there, we don't have to endure anymore concerts (woot!).

...baa humbug!

---------------------

Oh and my family has come up with a multi-denominational "Holiday" greeting that we will be utilizing from now on...

Glorious Festivus of Christmi-ka!



Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 7 hours, 32 minutes

Laundry List: Baa humbug!

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Year In Review - A MeMe
Find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that’s your “Year In Review”. Found it on Purple Goddess in Frog Pyjamas.

Here's mine, starting in May 2005 when I started this blog:

May: Because my kids need me dammit! Or maybe I need them.

June: So, had a huge argument with my template last week....lost that fight.

July: Happy Birthday to the country I'm very proud to call my home!

August: Cue Announcer’s Voice: Here at Onstar, we’re committed to your personal safety, even if we think you’re a complete idiot. Listen to a replay of an actual call we took recently:

September: Pizza Maria recently found a new place to "place" herself.

October: I got this email in my inbox from my good friend Mik.

November: My final October stats for Administrative Avenue were impressive!

December: ...on my sidebar.


Shows you just how random I am with my posts...I'll say anything!

Desperate to be a Housewife


Friday, December 09, 2005
About the Budge
The wall leading down our stairs is wallpapered with that nubby, raised wallpaper stuff (it was there when the house was purchased) and our cat likes to use it as a scratching post...the whole damned wall is peeled in various shapes that the cat has scratched away at and the kids have then peeled the shards of wallpaper. When I got home last night I headed downstairs to say hello to the kids and change for the evening. I did a double take as I passed a certain spot on the wall that had been artfully filled in with a Sharpie pen in the shape of a Llama...(llama face!)...actually, a GIANT, Dr. Seuss-esque Llama!

Stepping into the living room, I discovered the culprit still clutching the Sharpie pen, but he was now filling in my Simpsons calendar with big black ink spots...Marge had black hair, Homer had a mustache and beard, Lisa's shoes were...well, black.

"Budgie, come over here.

Oh, hi Mom!

"Why is there black marker on my wall?"

Uhmmmm...cause I put it there?

"But, why did you put it there?"

Cause it looked like a certain shape...so I thought I would fill it in.

"You know you shouldn't write on the walls! It's fine that you use your artistic eye to see shapes on the wall, but just because it looks like a Llama that doesn't mean you should fill it in."

What?!! That's not a Llama!

"Then what is it?"

It's half giraffe, half fish, half poodle, half horse!

"Oh, my mistake then...draw on young Davinci!"

----------------------------------

Despite the above, Budgie made it in one piece to his Judo test last night. Remember, I had said that he loved it the first couple of times? Well, up to last night he had started to waiver about Judo. He would complain about going and wanted to stay home at least one time each week. Anyways, last night he passed his Advanced White Belt with flying colours and walked out proudly clutching his certificate and crest..."Look, part of it is written in Japanese!"

He now says that he would like to go back for another three month session and work towards his yellow belt. But...don't say "Judo Chop!" in front of him!

There's no chopping in Judo Mom!

"But Austin Powers says Judo Chop and it's really funny"

Well, Austin Powers is stupid...he obviously never took a Judo class...Judo is only flipping!

-------------------------------

MIL...you might want to skip this part as it involves talk about fornicating with your beautiful, innocent son...

So, after putting the kids to bed last night, Cheap Bastard and I were in the bedroom (door locked)...erm...ahem...well...canoodling...

door knob rattles, knock, knock, knock

Mom! My stomach hurts. I think I'm going to throw up!

Mom to the rescue...lots of hugs for Budgie, followed by a stint at the toilet deciding whether we were indeed going to throw up or if it was just gas...just a sore tummy it seemed...put a towel on the pillow just in case...back to the bedroom. Twenty minutes passes...

rattle rattle, knock, knock, knock

Mom!

What Budgie?!

Do we have any clothes I could wear that are British?

...alrighty then...

----------------------
Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 36 minutes

Laundry List: Oh, just a little...

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say: Think again, bat man."

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Isn't it Ironic...Don't ya think?
It's pretty ironic when you crunch your finger in the giant hole punch whilst punching Workers' Compensation Board (WCB) Regulations...oui?

(it could only happen to me)

Desperate to be a Housewife


Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Stats Nov. 2005 - Admin. Ave.
My final November stats for Administrative Avenue were up again!

Nov 05 Visits 1299 Visitors 885 Page Views 2724
Oct 05 Visits 999 Visitors 720 Page Views 1892
Sep 05 Visits 360 Visitors 250 Page Views 684
Aug 05 Visits 106 Visitors 53 Page Views 190

My income for the month was $55.20...$1.84 a day! I should be receiving a cheque from Google at the end of December (you get a cheque after the first $100)...if December goes as well as November...it's not looking as promising in the first 6 days, but today is looking better.

I did it with Site Build It!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family:

Laundry List:

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy:

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!


Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Blizzard
If you lived here, you'd know it was true. As a native Calgarian, this one made me laugh my large, round, butt off!

Vancouver (Reuters)

Day 2 - Vancouver Blizzard 2005 - Revenge of the Commuters

Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out. Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur lined sandals. Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it. Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below. "The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."


Desperate to be a Housewife


Ho, Ho, Home
Dear Santa,

If at all possible, could you please bring me this for Christmas:



It is a mere $439,900 Canadian (like $12.00 American) and has a built-in-dishwasher (woot!). It's a really good deal Santa...it has come down about $20,000 in price since it first went on the market. It would get us away from "evil granny" (cause Santa...there may be a police incident soon), it has four bedrooms, there's room for the trampoline in the 1/4 acre backyard and, AND, it's on the same street as Zeenee's best friend Nita...it would be a safe move Santa...we wouldn't be stabbed in the night by a murderous teenager who's been moved away from the centre of her universe.

I'd kick in the 103 dollars in my piggy bank and, AND, I would promise not to complain about going to work again...for at least 4 minutes.

But, if you can't find it in your heart or your wallet to bring me my greatest wish Santa, I would also like Season One of Fame and a new housecoat (extra fluffy)....oh, and world peace to everyone except for grouchy, lazy seniors.

Your friend,

Desperate to be a Housewife


Feast Your Eyes...
...on my sidebar. Please take note that my Brilliant Bloggers are now in alphabetical order. Look at it longingly for minutes at a time...clean, ordered, happy....aaaaahhhh!

This is the same thing I do to a room after I clean it. For the entire five minutes that I know it will stay that way, I probably walk in four or five times to admire it...clean, ordered, happy...aaaaahhh! (remember, I've got two bulldozers, aged 7 & 9, whose only goal in life is to trash a room so badly we may appear on a future episode of How Clean is Your House?)

I read EVERYONE on my entire blog list almost every day...and thanks to mommybloggers, new BRILLIANT BLOGGERS are brought to my attention every week...and they're all REALLY GOOD READS...and, as a result, I haven't done any work or cleaned my house (except for my sidebar) or paid attention to my kids or shagged my husband in weeks! It's getting to the point that my husband is starting to view blogging the same as he views my activity in Girl Guides...CULT..."don't drink the purple kool-aid", says the Cheap Bastard (but baby. that blogging kool-aid. it's. soooo. good!)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 7 hours, 21 minutes

Laundry List: Gaaaa! Should we really be talking about this without a mental health specialist in the room?

Deep Thoughts With Jack Handy: "For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?"


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