Monday, January 30, 2006
Bella at Camp

We didn't sleep in these was January and we were happier in our heated lodge (complete with deep-freeze and dishwasher...hey a girl should "rough-it" every now and then!). Zeenee and I have spent a weekend in these teepees and they're really neat to camp in.

Not to be outdone...

Budgie wanted to know why I was only posting pics of Bella. "Show them my picture with the Beaver!"

He got to bring this giant stuffed beaver home for two weeks! It has had its own bed and pillow and has been tucked in every night.

Bella & her Inukshuk

Bella was apprehensive about dipping her toes in the frigid water...notice Suzie in the background as she falls in and gets soaked from head to toe!

Bella tip-toeing into the Pacific Ocean...on January 27th!

Monday - Random Nonsense

  • Last Friday was the official start of my getting every second Friday off work. Woot! Actually, I requested it back in July 05 and my boss only got around to implementing it now. It means two lost days of pay per month, but even Cheap Bastard thought I could use the break for my sanity. I loves him...

  • As of January 1st I also got put on the company's benefit plan (medical, dental, MSP, Long-term/short-term disability & insurance). The company pays for the coverage, which means that nothing comes off of my cheques for really, if I'm being covered for $425 worth of benefits per month, those two days of lost wages are covered. I just got the cards today that you take to the pharmacist when you need medication and you don't have to pay money up front. I've never had this before. We've always had to buy drugs and submit our receipts on CB's plan (we still have his benefits, which means that dental is covered 80% by his and the remainder is covered 80% by mine). I feel like a kid in a candy store...I think I'll get my doctor to sign me up for a variety of medications (depression, dementia, diptheria, diarrea and anything else that starts with a "D") of each of all those pretty colours of pills please...ooooo, shiny!

  • I am so incredibly tired from this past weekend. If I have a coffee before I leave work I think I can manage to stay awake for the drive home and obey all the traffic signals...I have reservations about making it to the front door of my house once I park though...since there are SIX steps to navigate...I wonder if anyone has ever slept on our front lawn before? Hmmm, I seem to recall an incident one New Year's Eve...

  • My SIL and I are starting Weight Watchers on Thursday night. Cheap Bastard is hesitant about my ability to get through an entire day sans chocolate, but I think I can do it...(oh God a Mars bars would taste sooooo good right now!). I told him he'd be sorry he was such a Doubting Thomas when Debs and I were the hottest Mommies on the beaches of Kelowna this summer...ha, I can least I already hold the title of "hottest Mommy married to Cheap Bastard" default of course.

  • Zeenee is mad at me because I commented that she hadn't cleaned her room in a really long time...she went into a tirade to the effect of "youdon'tappreciatewhatIdoaroundhere - Idomorethanotherteenagers - whyareyoualwayssonegative? - youareruiningmysociallife"...something like that...then she stopped talking to me...I only got a grunt out of her this morning when she was getting out of the van. I don't understand it...I didn't yell, I didn't knash my teeth. I simply commented on the state of (dis)grace of her room. I also found the answer to the question "why have the seven of us been sharing four juice glasses, two bowls and a plate for the past several days?" Seems that she is harvesting a crop of mould spores using my good china (when you're a Mom, Corelle is good china) and 11 day old macaroni and cheese...there are glasses, bowls and plates on every usable surface and I believe something in one of those bowls waved at me from under her bed...

  • My best friend since grade two just called me from Calgary to say that she is pregnant! I sat here behind my cubicle wall squealing and cooing incoherantly...then I cried a little. My Lou-Lou-Weeza is gonna be a Mommy...which means another trip to Calgary for me in July. Can't. Wait.

...that is all citizens. Return to your regular lives.

I'm. Tired.

Desperate to be a Housewife

The sale didn't go through...
I've decided not to move. I called the realtor and told her the sale was off. I'm staying at Blogger. Thanks to The Empress, who pointed out that I have a good page rank at Google with this blog already, so I think I should stay where I am. (I wish I really knew how to search out that page rank more thing for my list of things to learn). I do have an idea for a new blog that I want to write, but too many time constraints to start it right now. I'll keep Blog Charm in mind for when I start that though.

Just got back yesterday from a Girl Guide camp with Anabella. We had the best time. We went to a Guide camp on the Sunshine Coast called Camp Olave. It's a collection of tent sites and lodges of various sizes located right on the ocean. The girls made t-shirts, many crafts, prepared meals, did dishes (some of them had NEVER helped with this at home!), cleaned toilets and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning...much to their leaders chagrin (I'm sure I'm now officially "Mean Guider Dave" due to the number of times I threatened their very lives if I heard "one more sound coming from this room and don't anybody slam this door again and I don't even want to hear you say shhhhh for the millionth time and I will call your parents and get them to come and get you in the middle of the night and boy will they be mad if they have to pay to take a ferry and come out here to find you strung up on the flagpole in your pyjamas...and NO, I don't have any clue where your flashlight is...and again, GO TO SLEEP!!!).

The weather couldn't have been better. We only had a few sprinkles of rain...the girls actually waded in the Pacific January! Something I never could have imagined growing up in frigid Calgary.

I have pictures of Anabella and will try to post them later tonight...I had sooo much fun with her!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 3 hours, 29 minutes

Laundry List: Oh boy, happy days...I have so much waiting for me at home!

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Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Want to see my new place?
I'm thinking about moving to here. Would you be so kind as to check it out with me...tell me whether I'm making the mistake of a lifetime leaving my current digs?

Please, please, please?

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Look at this photograph...every time I do it...makes me drink more martinis...
CB and I went to see Nickelback on Friday night with my brother and SIL. It. Rocked. Bigtime. (Is that cool to say? Having visions of Zeenee saying "ew Mom, No") The drum solo was just awesome (I actually felt like my body was being shaken in an earthquake) and I was reminded that, at 33, I'm still not too old for rock concerts...woot! The band Live opened up for them and they were really entertaining also. My conversation with Zeenee the next morning:

That concert was awesome, you should have come with us.

Eww, no.

What? You don't like Nickelback?

I love Nickelback...but it would NOT be cool to show up with my parents.



Saturday night we attended a house warming party...or should I say a Martini Madness Party

M is for Martini...of which I injested four hours

A is for Alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

R is for Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

T is for Tipsy...which I got after the second Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

I is for In the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

N is for Noise...which affected me greatly the next day...cause I had rather a large headache...after eight martinis and my near miss in the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

I is for Inching back to good health...on a Tuesday...finally...I can now handle the Noise...which affected me greatly the next day...cause I had rather a large headache...after eight martinis and my near miss in the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested four hours

Anyways, I highly recommend the Porn Star and the Sour Apple. Also, the chocolate fountain was the coolest thing. Seems they got it from Costco for about fifty bucks. I would totally buy one if I didn't have a dungeon full of small appliances that I don't use my waffle iron, bread maker, food processor, children, George Forman Grill, etc.

The absolute best thing the wonderful friends we have made these last two years through Zeenee's soccer team. Rick is Zeenee's coach (best. coach. ever.) and it was his house we were at. A lot of the other parents from the team were there and both CB and I had a blast. Usually a party like that would find CB hiding in the corner or skulking by the TV pretending to be interested in the "underwater nosepicking channel" while I chat with anyone and everyone...but not this time! We both had interesting conversations with everyone...I guess that all of us having 14 year old daughters leads us to have a lot in common...PMS, MSN, Estrogen, "Ew Mom, No!"...

The team is again going to Victoria in April for a tournament and everybody brings the whole family. This means two nights of partying/whooping it up by the parents whilst the children are free to vandalize, rape & pillage and generally terrorize the hotel (what? We always pick them up from the Juvenile Detention Centre the next day and treat them to ice cream!).

It's almost to the point where the team is staying together for the parents' sake. What's that little Zeenee? You want to try gymnastics next year? No dice'll play soccer or nothing...and by nothing I mean that you'll play soccer! Don't mess with Mommy's social life!

***Please note that the above statements are made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Children and Family Services does not need to be summoned at this time. I repeat...tongue in of this post have been was a motel not a hotel...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 38 minutes...hoozah!

Laundry List: L is for laughable...

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Monday, January 23, 2006
My baby brother's unit left for Afghanistan on Saturday. His big sister is very unsettled about this. He is far too young to be carrying a gun, stationed in desolate country, with dry, horrible danger of being blown to bits by the very people they are there to protect and help. All I can think of is the Canadian soldiers who were recently injured in Kandahar...the same place he is to be stationed.

You may think that 28 is old enough to be carrying a gun, performing peace-keeping duties, serving his country...but my mind still sees him at 7 (Budgie's age)...leaping around the backyard wearing only a black Uvex ski helmet, G.I. Joe underoos and a towel tied around his neck like a cape.

Be safe CAPTAIN BEACHTOWEL...and please let August come quickly...

Sell Your Soul Day
It's election day here in the Great White North. Time to decide who we want to run this beautiful country of ours. And here are the nominees:

The demon we know...

The demon we don't know...


Looks like it's going to be good old Satan running things around here from now on...if the advance polls are telling the whole story. We should be flying the Stars & Stripes and singing God Bless America by next Tuesday...the man will sell us piece by piece. And while I'm worried about losing important things like universal health care, gay marriage and good beer, not to mention the fact that our military will be expected to fight alongside our new countrymen in Iraq (what? We have a 1978 jeep and a plane from WWII that we could contribute!) I've decided to focus on the pros of being assimilated into joining the U.S. of A:

  • No more worries about the dollar gaining/losing value. We'll be spending the REAL green stuff.

  • No passports/ID cards required to go down to Washington to shop at the outlet stores.

  • Our own outlet stores!

  • We won't have to wait years to get products new to the spray-cheese in a can!

  • Annual free trips to Disneyland! (ya'll are soooooo lucky)

  • Many, many, many more DEMOCRATS to help fight the good fight against the Bush Administration! Woot!

Canadians - Get out there today and V O T E

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 7 hours...need an extra hour to go mark an X

Laundry List: I'm voting NDP on this one -- as there are Numerous Damned Piles of it all over my house

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Thursday, January 19, 2006
Post full of BULL
Taurus: You are over-tired and the fact that The Office, CSI and Without a Trace are on tonight leaves you little hope of getting to bed before 11 p.m. - unless you are blessed with reruns. Also, you face the impending Nickelback concert on Friday night and a bang-up house warming party with your fellow soccer parents on Saturday. Outlook for sleep does not look good. This lack of rest, combined with the worry of adding content to your other site and the thought of getting a newsletter out before next Wednesday only serves to hinder a positive outcome for the week ahead. Your mind will be completely void of a blog entry today, so you will resort to a fabricated horoscope to fill space. Oh, and your hair looks terrible today...try to spend more than 30 seconds on it. Edit: The stars predict that you will edit this entry four times. (**it came true!!!**)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until you're back with your family: 5 hours, 42 minutes

Your Laundry List: Outlook is disasterous!

Comments: The Moon meets Venus in the latter part of the day and many comments are forthcoming.

Monday, January 16, 2006
This morning I emailed the PAC (Parents Advisory Council) President of Zeenee's high school and tendered my resignation as Secretary. The thought of "just one more meeting" this week sent me over the edge. I decided to to quit as I'd been thinking about it for months (since I was cajoled into doing the job in the first place)...the weight off my shoulders today is already paying off...I did a dance at the thought of only taking Budgie to Beavers tonight. No borrowing my mother's car so I can go one way and CB can go the other. No soliciting others for rides, cause we've only got one vehicle, two parental units and three kids in two activities each...the math is making my head spin!

Also, on Saturday night I was compelled to attend one of those Partylite candle parties at my old friends home three cities away (a 40 minute drive on a Saturday night in the best of traffic). Don't you think it's a bit presumptuous to say in your reminder e-mail "don't forget your chequebook"...even if you include a "ha, ha" at the end of this statement, I'm led to the conclusion that I'm not invited because I'm the life of every want me to spend enough cash so you can get your free, tacky, brushed metal wall-sconce that's gonna burst your home into flames the first time you forget to snuff it out before you leave for that double feature at the multiplex.

Anyways, I went and was back in 2 hours (the drive was only 32 minutes each way...ha!), only $27.84 poorer (bought one very lovely scented, blue, 3 wick, brick holder) AND I refused to book a show. The thought of the commitment to inviting 45 of my closest friends to "bring your chequebooks...ha, ha" to my ugly house and spend an hour smelling 4 million different candle scents would keep me awake at night wondering if they didn't think me a cheapo little, candle grubbing witch. I would much rather have 5 of my closest friends over for wine, munchies and least I could look them in the eye in the morning!

So, 2006 is the year of NO!

  • No, I will not take on a third or fourth Guiding position. I love Guiding and believe deeply in it's philosophy...but it is not just "an hour a week" as they always sell you in the is closer to 5 hours a week. I already hold two positions, my hands are full.

  • No, I will not join your committee.

  • No, I will not invite 45 of my closest friends to my house to buy your overpriced junk.

  • No, I will not coordinate a craft night for 50 Beavers.

  • No, I will not oversee another pub night for the soccer team...okay, I already committed to the one we're having in March, but I said yes in 2005, when saying yes was in style..."yes is the new blue".

It's time I had some "me" time...and I'm penciling that in for 10:45 tonight...right after I bake those cookies for the bake sale, which is right after I prepare the craft for tomorrow night's Guide meeting.

Yay me!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 56 minutes

Laundry List: I was done at 4:30 yesterday...then Zeenee snuck up with another load...lucky for her, she's very apt at the laundry dance...she did it herself and I didn't have to "end" her.

Other stuff: If you live in the Lower Mainland (or Canada even, probably) - Superstore has all their school supplies on sale right now...even though I wasn't in the market for school supplies yesterday (it's January!), I picked up scissors for 44 cents - regular 3.98! - glue for 44 cents - math sets for 99 cents - and loads of other stuff for unbelievable prices...if you have kids in school like me you're always looking for deals...this was a nice one!

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Friday, January 13, 2006
There must be blonde roots in my red head...
I just found the BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER over at Karen's site...check it out...

Thursday, January 12, 2006
My MIL could so totally beat up your MIL
I've told you all before how much I love my mother-in-law right? I've always said that if I actually got to select my MIL from a bunch of profiles I would have picked her...she is number one, top notch, best of breed, awesome! I love her more than cheese...and in my house that's the best compliment you can give (the kids and I are always saying, "I love you more than cheese" because cheese is excellent dammit, but we definately love each other shoot us, we're weird).

...and the email I just received from her only helps to cement her

I was wondering about your blog….you know the one about divorce and showers and things. How would this affect Christmas? Would I get you or CB? Where would the kids go? I know reno’s can be difficult and that you probably are not thinking clearly in the midst of flying cement bits, cursing, dust from gyprock, cursing, mold, cursing, plumbing, and cursing, so I felt to write and help you gain some clarity and hopefully some uplifting advice that my mother often gave me. “This too, shall pass”. Of course, none of the above comes from a selfish point of view at all but you really should consider the implications. Would we still be able to have tea together? And what about making cards, poking fun at our husbands (well, ok not to their faces maybe but still…..) Please consider these things. My life could be ruined. What if he got another wife and she was awful (of course she would be, she wouldn’t be you) and then what? And what if she didn’t like TEA. Then what…….Oh my, I must stop before I hyperventilate.

Love you much, don’t want to live without you,


Story Time - Poker Edition
Thanks for all the comments everyone! I love, love, love you guys!

I have become an online poker nut...I'm addicted! Don't call Gamblers Anonymous yet though, because I only use play money...if I really did have $71,000 I would find something better to spend it on...second car, house downpayment, new shoes. My brother placed fourth in a tournament a couple of months ago and won 600 bucks...nice brother that he is, he transferred 30 real dollars into my account. Big mistake! I lost it in a little under a week and a half...all on one dollar tournaments. So, I learned fast that I should stick to play money and I felt bad that I could have used that money to buy istock photos for my site or something tangible on ebay.

Anyways, I play almost every day, usually after the kids have gone to bed. I usually just do one game and if it's a slow one, it gives me a chance to read my email in between hands and even surf blogs.

Last night was no exception...I logged on at about 9:50 and put myself on a table of nine. As soon as I was on the table I thought about what a mistake I'd bed was calling to me and I was yawning so big my face was disappearing!

The first hand I got queen & four of hearts and went all-in, because I just wanted off the table so I could go to bed...three other people called me and when their cards were revealed, they all overcarded me with aces and kings. Great! I'm going to lose! I can go to bed! Not quite...the flop turned up three more hearts and I knocked all three of them out with a!

But, this is the funny part, another player on the table who didn't get knocked out starts calling me an asshole and a suck out (if you've never played on PokerStars, you can actually type instant messages to other players that everyone on the table can view)...he's clearly mad that I went all in on such a weak hand and I type this in on the next hand (summoning my best Forest Gump "sorry I ruined your Black Panther party" voice):

Sorry I'm taking all your *fake* money. I feel bad that you could have used that *fake* money to feed your *fake* kids. Gee, now you can't buy that *fake* new loaf of bread.

Ha! I could just feel him fuming behind his monitor. I must have touched a nerve because he went all in on the next hand with Ace Jack...and I knocked him out with three kings.

Sweet Justice!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 3 hours

Laundry List: I'm going all in on this one...but will probably lose!

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Monday, January 09, 2006
It's time to speak up for yourself!!!

There's a rumour going around the blogosphere that this is "International Delurking Week"...I know because rude cactus said...I know because the fish said...I know because danigirl said...these are smart, good-looking, hygenically conscious people...they don't tell lies.

So if you read here and you've never had occassion to comment (or even if you HAVE commented before)...pop in and say "hi", pop in and say "hello", pop in and say "good-day", pop in and say something! I know how many people visit here everyday...I've read the stats...I know you're out there!

...and if you don't comment, I'll be forced to send Cheap Bastard over to YOUR house to renovate YOUR bathroom...see if that doesn't make you cry a little bit.

The bitter realities of adoption...

The shower was adopted.

The wallboard was put up.

Mudd & tape were carefully spread on the wallboard.

The shower floor was installed.

The shower walls were assembled to check for fit.

It was discovered that the moulded shelf on the shower wall and the tap sticking out of the wall...and attached to that all-important plumbling...were located in exactly the same place!

It was determined that Cheap Bastard had not measured for this intricacy.

Much swearing, flailing, screaming and knashing of teeth followed.

It was suggested, by Cheap Bastard, that we could just install the shower walls upside down - rendering the shelves in the shower useless - and everything would fit great.

It was suggested, by D2bH, that Cheap Bastard could install the shower walls upside down "over her dead body".

It was suggested, by Cheap Bastard, that that wasn't such a bad idea.

Much more swearing, flailing, screaming and knashing of teeth followed.

...and so we watched "The 40 Year-Old Virgin" and went to bed. That was Friday.

We are still bathing upstairs.

My guess is we will never bathe in our own bathroom again...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour 47 minutes

Laundry List: two or three (hundred) loads to go!

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Divorce, Custody & Visitation
Yep, you read it right....DIVORCE!!! It's not that I don't love him deep, deep, deep's just that I think he'll be safer with a more patient, understanding wife who lives far, far, far away than he will be staying with me...the lovely lady that's been turned into a kicking and swearing axe-murderer.

What turned me you ask? Why it was renovations my caring & compassionate reader.

Ages ago...actually 6 months ago, I told you of our plans to renovate our horrid, mould infested bathroom. My Life is in the Crapper outlined my hopes and dreams of a beautiful "Better Homes & Gardens"-like redo of our bathroom...complete with new shower, toilet, pedestal sink, angels playing their harps on the ceiling and rose-petals dropping at my feet. It was gonna be good. It was gonna be better than good. It was gonna make Bob Vila drool and Martha Stuart swoon. There were plans to fly Oprah in for a featurette and a book deal was in the works "Our Bathroom Renovation Story - From Crappy to Craptacular!"


Ha ha!

The day of that post we ripped all the wallboard and tiles off the wall, we tore out the carpet (again, who puts carpet in a bathroom?)....and that was it. The shower still showered, the toilet still flushed, the sink still watered. It simply looked like you were walking into a dungeon when you used the bathroom...the view was one of concrete walls with wall-studs (that and a creepy looking skeleton peeking around the corner at you while you peed - where the plaster had peeled away funny from the studs...I often had to cover his face with a towel when I tinkled...I named him Tom) was ugly, but it was mould free...stage one completed.

Fast forward to this week and all that we have done since is visit the shower stall we are planning to adopt

14 times!!!

Yep, I wish I was kidding. I've said before that my husband is a careful and frugal shopper...he didn't get the name Cheap Bastard from buying me a Porsche with a diamond ring in the glovebox! We have been to our local Home Depot 6 select the orphan, to take measurements, to check the price, to check the sale price, to re-measure, to make sure that it is the right shower for our family. We have also visited EVERY OTHER HOME DEPOT LOCATION in the lower half of British Columbia between Victoria and Chilliwack...oh and can't forget that memorable visit to the one in Kelowna during our vacation. We have visited this shower in every possible price range. We have visited it in the morning light, in the afternoon sun and in the evening dusk.

  • It is white.

  • It is plastic & glass.

  • It is a shower.

  • We are sure that we love it.

  • We are sure that we can provide it with a good home.

  • We are sure that we can feed it regularly with water, soap and shampoo.

  • We have yet to buy it.

Yesterday, Cheap Bastard knocked down and ripped out the old shower. Plaster, tiles, dust and cement poured into the hall. He ripped out the shower people...and we don't yet own one to replace it with. We are now sharing the one and only bathing source in the house with the two seniors upstairs (evil granny & grandad) of bathing source...I don't even want to hedge a guess at how long we'll be doing this.

He did pay two visits to the shower yesterday...once at our local Home Depot who didn't have one available and once at the city next door's Home Depot who had three in stock....but he still didn't buy it. When he measured where the drain hole was he discovered that the old shower drain and the to-be-adopted shower drain were not in the same location...he'd have to bash a hole into the concrete floor and rig up some plumbing thingy-ma-dos to line them up. When I asked him why he didn't make the adoption final yesterday, he was confident that there were not three other people in the Lower Mainland planning to adopt our shower. He was confident we could have custody anytime we chose to.

He bashed in the is two feet deep and three feet wide. There are now buckets of concrete and rocks and dust in my angels, no harps, no rose petals.

He was planning to actually BUY the shower today. There was absolutely no conversation in the van on the way to work this morning and no kiss when he dropped me off...needless to say I don't, at this moment, know if we're the proud parents of a new shower or not.

My question is this. If I decide to forgo murdering him and then burying him in that damned hole in the bathroom and if I simply chose to divorce him:

Who gets custody of the shower?

(you knew that was coming didn't you...)

Next up: The D2bH's travel to Russia to rescue an orphaned toilet...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 2 minutes

Laundry List: mind-numbing

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