Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Divorce, Custody & Visitation
Yep, you read it right....DIVORCE!!! It's not that I don't love him deep, deep, deep's just that I think he'll be safer with a more patient, understanding wife who lives far, far, far away than he will be staying with me...the lovely lady that's been turned into a kicking and swearing axe-murderer.

What turned me you ask? Why it was renovations my caring & compassionate reader.

Ages ago...actually 6 months ago, I told you of our plans to renovate our horrid, mould infested bathroom. My Life is in the Crapper outlined my hopes and dreams of a beautiful "Better Homes & Gardens"-like redo of our bathroom...complete with new shower, toilet, pedestal sink, angels playing their harps on the ceiling and rose-petals dropping at my feet. It was gonna be good. It was gonna be better than good. It was gonna make Bob Vila drool and Martha Stuart swoon. There were plans to fly Oprah in for a featurette and a book deal was in the works "Our Bathroom Renovation Story - From Crappy to Craptacular!"


Ha ha!

The day of that post we ripped all the wallboard and tiles off the wall, we tore out the carpet (again, who puts carpet in a bathroom?)....and that was it. The shower still showered, the toilet still flushed, the sink still watered. It simply looked like you were walking into a dungeon when you used the bathroom...the view was one of concrete walls with wall-studs (that and a creepy looking skeleton peeking around the corner at you while you peed - where the plaster had peeled away funny from the studs...I often had to cover his face with a towel when I tinkled...I named him Tom) was ugly, but it was mould free...stage one completed.

Fast forward to this week and all that we have done since is visit the shower stall we are planning to adopt

14 times!!!

Yep, I wish I was kidding. I've said before that my husband is a careful and frugal shopper...he didn't get the name Cheap Bastard from buying me a Porsche with a diamond ring in the glovebox! We have been to our local Home Depot 6 select the orphan, to take measurements, to check the price, to check the sale price, to re-measure, to make sure that it is the right shower for our family. We have also visited EVERY OTHER HOME DEPOT LOCATION in the lower half of British Columbia between Victoria and Chilliwack...oh and can't forget that memorable visit to the one in Kelowna during our vacation. We have visited this shower in every possible price range. We have visited it in the morning light, in the afternoon sun and in the evening dusk.

  • It is white.

  • It is plastic & glass.

  • It is a shower.

  • We are sure that we love it.

  • We are sure that we can provide it with a good home.

  • We are sure that we can feed it regularly with water, soap and shampoo.

  • We have yet to buy it.

Yesterday, Cheap Bastard knocked down and ripped out the old shower. Plaster, tiles, dust and cement poured into the hall. He ripped out the shower people...and we don't yet own one to replace it with. We are now sharing the one and only bathing source in the house with the two seniors upstairs (evil granny & grandad) of bathing source...I don't even want to hedge a guess at how long we'll be doing this.

He did pay two visits to the shower yesterday...once at our local Home Depot who didn't have one available and once at the city next door's Home Depot who had three in stock....but he still didn't buy it. When he measured where the drain hole was he discovered that the old shower drain and the to-be-adopted shower drain were not in the same location...he'd have to bash a hole into the concrete floor and rig up some plumbing thingy-ma-dos to line them up. When I asked him why he didn't make the adoption final yesterday, he was confident that there were not three other people in the Lower Mainland planning to adopt our shower. He was confident we could have custody anytime we chose to.

He bashed in the is two feet deep and three feet wide. There are now buckets of concrete and rocks and dust in my angels, no harps, no rose petals.

He was planning to actually BUY the shower today. There was absolutely no conversation in the van on the way to work this morning and no kiss when he dropped me off...needless to say I don't, at this moment, know if we're the proud parents of a new shower or not.

My question is this. If I decide to forgo murdering him and then burying him in that damned hole in the bathroom and if I simply chose to divorce him:

Who gets custody of the shower?

(you knew that was coming didn't you...)

Next up: The D2bH's travel to Russia to rescue an orphaned toilet...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 2 minutes

Laundry List: mind-numbing

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