Thursday, February 23, 2006
I hope you dance
Thanks for the encouragement about the hair and nails everyone! I've decided to go for it and get my hair coloured next week. The nails? I think I'll either do a home job or just try and let them grow a little more. Went to WW tonight and only lost that 0.6 of a pound that I gained last week....so the 20 pound prize is looking further in the distance than I thought. I'll definately be rewarding myself when I do reach it, but I'm thinking it won't be happening before April at this rate. Meh.

I got some good news at the dentist though. That's kind of an oxymoron isn't it? Who gets good news at the dentist? Anyways, I recently got coverage through my work, so with CB's plan and mine combined all of my future dental work, including two more crowns I need, are fully covered! Score! Plus. Plus! My dentist...the lovely and talented Dr. Matthew...who I now love like family, is going to put porcelain veneers on my four front teeth! And that will be covered too! God, I love that man! See, I have a small grinding problem (okay, bigger than small) and have grinded my teeth down to half of their regular size. My front teeth are extra short and ugly...I hate them. My dentist put bonding on them five years ago, but that chips and falls apart easily. So veneers it is. I feel like I've died and been re-incarnated on Extreme Makeover.

I took Zeenee and her friends to the grade 9/10 dance tonight. Actually, first I came home from work, drove Z to Pharmasave to buy "the perfect colour of cover-up" (makeup shopping rocks), then I drove her over to her friend Meg's house so they could get ready and iron their hair (they do it with a real iron! she's gonna lose an ear yet). I drove home and made dinner, then back to Meg's to pick up four of them and deposit them at the dance. My friend Tracy stopped on the road after I got home. She'd been to the same place, only she'd dropped off 4 boys at the dance. It was funny, my car smelled like Brittney and her's smelled like Axe!

I watched the girls all walk into the school in a big group and got a little nostalgic. I remember getting ready for dances with my girlfriends. Were we gonna get asked to dance? Who by? Who did we hope asked us? The only difference between us and them were the styles of the day...we wore skin-tight, high waisted Jordache jeans, shaker-knit sweaters, high-tops and had our hair feathered just right. Zeenee and crowd wore skin-tight, low waisted Dorina jeans, tight t-shirts, Adidas and they all had their hair ironed straight (they all smelled amazing too).

God, but they looked beautiful...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: I'm here now...and. AND! I have tomorrow off! I'll be off visiting my friend in Langley (who I went to dances with in Grade 9) and then be taking my big butt to the gym. I'm gonna need a body to match my new teeth!

Laundry List: Lots, but I have a long weekend to do it. So. I should be starting it by Sunday at 4:00.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006
High Maintenance Mama?
I'm feeling like I need to get my hair coloured. And get me some of those kick-ass gel nails that all the pretty girls are adorned with. I'm feeling a little high maintenance.

I haven't had my hair coloured at a salon since high school graduation (and do I need to remind you how long ago that was?) and I've NEVER had fake nails. I've also never been to a spa or had a massage, but we really don't need to start getting all weepy and whiny and poor Vicky here do we? Let's move along.

I just need to talk Cheap Bastard into coughing up the hundred bucks for the colour (hey, he didn't get the nickname after buying me the Hope diamond ladies)...the nails I can maybe beg for as a birthday present...or an "I lost 20 pounds" gift to myself.

Have you ever been to a spa? What do you guys do to make yourselves feel pretty?

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 17 minutes

Laundry List: It's "pretty" damned disturbing...


Monday, February 20, 2006
BPC Part III - Tips For Parents Who Don't Have a Clue
Continued from BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...

The following tips are directed at the parents of the children who attended my son's birthday party on Saturday, February 18th. Please keep in mind that, while these tips are good and valuable information for all parents, I hold no degrees and I am not a certified child psychologist...I only play one on the internet.

Teach your children empathy for animals. When your child fires at my cat with a Nerf gun, that pretty much tells me that he has no regard for the feelings of our furry friends in this world. Maybe you should get his own pet to take care of...my suggestion would be a tiger, a raccoon or a bobcat. It would increase the the wild animal quota in your home from one to two. CB had an enourmous gushing wound on his arm from trying to move the cat to the safety of our bedroom during the melee. Unfortunately, she spotted the perpetrator in the hallway and fought her way out of CB's arms to seek refuge under another bed. What the hell is wrong with your parenting skills?!

Teach your children about privacy. I was gobsmacked to discover that your child would throw open the door of my pantry and declare "is there anything else to eat in this house?"...especially after I had just fed him popcorn, pop, pizza and cake, thereby increasing my debt-load to that of a small African country. When I was a child I wouldn't even follow my friends to their rooms without being invited to do so (ha, I just said "when I was a child"...like I'm old or something)...I had no idea where they kept their food and never so much as requested a drink of water without their invitation. This all leaves me to question how private and safe my medicine cabinet is. Parent...you let them do this at other people's homes...really?

A playground is for climbing and jumping on. My furniture is for sitting on. Duh! This one is basic. Need I really say more? Parent...you are an idiot who doesn't deserve to raise rats...let alone children.

Other children should be seen and not punched. Seriously, your sweet little girl horrible little monster sucker-punched another girl because they both wanted Budgie to open their present first. Stern words didn't break it up. Screaming didn't break it up. You must be so proud. Parent...get your ass in that corner for 10 years of time out!

7 year olds should never watch Saw II. Or any other movie rated above PG...EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER. How could you do that? That is pure and simple child abuse in my mind. Not to mention the fact that she regaled all the children with the details of the entire movie before I walked in and clued into what was going on. Thanks for that. More sleepless nights for Budgie. Some people, like you Mr. & Mrs. Parent, are simply too stupid to breed.

...to be continued. Edited to cross this out. I'm so over last weekend by now...still drinking, but so over it...


BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...
...or reason number 1456 for why you should plan a birthday party at least two months in advance.

Continued from Part I of The Birthday Party Chronicles.

Budgie wanted a pool party. He told you this in December, but you said "Oh Budgie, will you just drop this until after Christmas. There's lots of time to plan your party." And in January he came to you and said he wanted a pool party, but you kept forgetting to call the pool and check for availability.


  • When you finally call the pool three weeks before February 18th all time-slots are full.

  • So you call the pools in all four other surrounding cities and beg and cry for a time-slot, at any price, but they are also full..."and please Mrs. D2bH, you must stop calling here every five minutes and asking if there's been a cancellation. We are considering a restraining order."

  • So you call all the skating rinks within a thirty mile radius and ask for some ice-time...at which they laugh an awful lot.

  • So you call the gymnastics place, the rock-climbing centre,the science centre and the aquarium. They all laugh at you. You start to notice a common thread here, as if all of these people trained at the same post secondary school...The British Columbia Institute of Cynicism and Sceptism (BCICS). They all took "You're a moron and I laugh in your face 101."

  • So...you decide that between your van and your mother's car you and your husband can tote 9 kids to a movie (Hoodwinked) playing at 2:40 in the city next door. The invitation states: Then we'll come back to our house for pizza and cake...yaa, fun! Please arrive at 2:00.

  • On Friday the 17th the theatre in the city next door stops playing Hoodwinked...and we are all out of choices for a backup movie. Taking 9 kids to see "Freedomland" is probably a recipe for disaster.

  • Instead, you decide to drive those 9 kids four cities over to see Hoodwinked...playing at 2:35. (Anybody living in the Lower Mainland? You know how realistic it is to expect to get from Port Coquitlam to Langley in under 30 minutes right? You're laughing at me now too aren't you?! You must have attended BCICS also...hrumph.)

  • The kids arrive around 2:00 and you pack them in the vehicles...and it's now 2:16! Drive mother-@#$%^. Drive!!!

  • Arrive at movie theatre and pay $104.50 for admission. Note to self - call banker and extend line of credit. Brush off pleas to play in the arcade and admonish evil minions for playing with the pay phones. Think to yourself, "crap, we should have just brought them here and let them loose in the arcade. It would've been a hell of a lot cheaper."

  • Run into designated theatre and throw children evil minions into available chairs, ignoring other patrons snorts of disgust at your inability to arrive before the previews. Sit down just as last preview is ending. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

  • Send husband out to lobby for popcorn and drinks...$67.80. Note to self - put kidney on e-bay.



Continued in BPC Part III - Tips for Parents Who Don't Have a Clue


Birthday Party Chronicles (BPC)
My Budgie-mon turned eight on Saturday. My youngest...my baby...turned eight...EIGHT!!! I'll post pictures later as they're still in the camera and Cheap Bastard hasn't downloaded them yet. That's his job...mow the lawn, put gas in the van (cause I hate that job) and download the pictures from the camera. He lives the life of luxury.

I want to tell you about Budgie's birthday party. About how I wasn't sure if I'd survive until 6:00 when people picked up their little hell-freaks and took them home....FOREVER. About what an incredible idiot I am for not planning at least two months in advance. About the fact that I'm NEVER, EVER doing this again for at least three months (when it's Bella's 10th). About the empty liquor cabinet at my house. I think I'm going to break it into sections. Yes sections. No, different posts. Yes, different posts that all link together. Like a really good Stephen King Serial...full of horror...sans the skills of an excellent writer.

I tell you this now, instead of on Saturday when everything happened...like Budgie's real birthday...where he turned eight...and Mommy drank a lot afterwards.

I'm not very good at posting on the weekends...you may have noticed. I THINK to post on the weekends. In fact I come up with some great topics and stories in my head. But when I sit down at my home computer to post...there's this little button on there that screams "POKERSTARS!". And I click it. And I play that instead of bloggifying (shut up...it's a word). And I burn others with my slowplay. Because I am addicted you see.

So instead I write it all out here...behind the cubicle wall. Where I should be typing the Safety Minutes...a recap of the most excrutiatingly boring two hours of last week. Luckily, the fingers sound like they are typing safety minutes...and underneath this little screen are the real safety minutes which I quickly click back to everytime an intruder approaches the cubicle. No harm, no foul right?

...she says as she visits the unemployment office...

Continued in BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...


Friday, February 17, 2006
WW4 - Week 2 (the one with lots of swearing)
Nectarine Stupid Nectarine was disgusting

Orange (it'll have to do) 1


This is what I just wrote in my Weight Watchers tracking book for my morning snack. Because I'm mad. And not just crazy mad (for I'm always that), but pissed off mad too.

Stupid body. Stupid Weight Watchers. Stupid fat.

I walked into WW last night with a grin on my face. I was gonna have lost at least two more pounds. I would be taking my flex points down two points to the next lowest weight category. Hell, maybe I'd even lost 3.4+ pounds and I'd be receiving my next "I lost 5 pounds!" sticker. I love Thursdays. I LOVE this system!

Oh, yes please I would like to buy an organizer wallet for all of the information you keep giving me. Yum, WW chocolate bars that taste like Mars bars. Give me two boxes! Oh yes thank you I had a great week!

Then I stepped up on the scale, the nice lady behind the table recorded my weight and I literally had a mental meltdown while still standing on the scale. Okay, the window is over there...I'll just run over and throw it open and j...oh crap, we're only two floors up...stupid hotel conference room that smells like sweat!

I gained!!! 0.6 pounds!!! Son of a bitch!!!

I think the nice lady could see that I was starting to shake, because she started talking really fast:


  • Did you drink all your water? Lady, I have just removed myself from the bathroom for the first time this week to come here and weigh in...and when I get off the scale I'm heading right over to that door with the stick-lady in a skirt on it. Drank the water...check.

  • Did you record everything you ate? I have become so familiar with food labels over the past two weeks that the food manufacturers took out a restraining order on me. Do not stalk the food labels. Recorded the points...check.

  • Did you eat ALL of your points every day? Now this one was hard...there's a lot of stuff to eat everyday and sometimes I had maybe one or two points left at 10pm and I didn't want to eat anything else that day. Ate all of the points...oops, no.


So. Yeah. Gotta work on that last one and change a couple of things up, like the order of the food I'm eating.

Anyways...I did end up going on a murderous rampage after the meeting. I killed a medium fries and frosty at Wendy's. Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Back on the wagon today. And I'm still upset about the crappy nectarine...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 26 minutes

Laundry List: Just phoned Zeenee at home to ask her to pick up all the laundry throughout the house and put in a couple of loads today, seeing as she has a Pro-D day and isn't at school. Got MAJOR attitude from the princess...NOT a good day to mess with Mom...doesn't she know I can wreak havoc on her social life?

WW4 - Battle of the Bulge:



My Other Blog:
Sticky Notes - Admin. Avenue's Blog


Thursday, February 16, 2006
It'll Have to Do
Okay...it works with THIS template. It'll have to do for now.

...now that my hair is all ripped out.

...now that the hair I ripped out is all grey.

I'm off to Weight Watchers for the weekly weigh in and motivational speech. If I've lost again I'll be posting with the news.

If I haven't lost...you'll hear my story ON the news.

(j/k)


Now?
test


Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Sidebar - The Wrath of D2bH
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Well, that didn't work. Maybe it's a Blogger thing, because LaLa's blog is doing it too and she's using the same template.

Google...you can't live with em'...can't search the net without em'.


Sidebar Part Deux
Okay, when I click on a selected post from my Google home page (with my feed), my sidebar shows up next to the post. When I view it from the main page...no sidebar!

You know what this means don't you? Oh yes people. Oh yes!

New template coming...


Oh where is my sidebar?
Hmmm, not sure how to get my sidebar back up to the top of the page. Seems something I wrote yesterday offended the blogging gods and my sidebar was banished to the firey reaches of H.E.Double-hockey-sticks...(shhhh, I meant HELL...shhhh).

How are ya'll today? Lots of goodies for valentines day? Not me...PROCRASTA-MOM and her hubby Cheap Bastard don't do valentines day (hence the need not to capitalize the words)...CB thinks it's just a day made up by Hallmark to boost sales and would rather send me little surprises every now and then. Come to think of it I haven't had the opportunity to run around with flowers lately. That man better get his romantic butt in gear soon!

It's all good anyways, as I don't really feel like being all snuggly and kissy-faced today. Too many cramps and other girly things...ugh! "Not now honey, I have a headache. Not now honey, CSI is on. Not now honey, I think my toenail cancer is acting up."



Budgie potted a flower at Beavers last night which I think were intended for them to give to their Moms for Valentines Day. Budgie decided he would give it to his greatest love, Cali, at school today. It's all I can do to keep from worrying that she'll reject his gift and crush my little man to smithereens. I've been worried all day thinking about it...8 year olds can be so mean. I hope she accepts it well. He is such a sensitive little guy and the trouble he's been having making friends this year...well, he just doesn't need to be upset by this. Fingers crossed.

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 50 minutes

Laundry List: It's building...but it's Valentines Day...a national no-laundry holiday!

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU! I just added an interesting question to my Sticky Notes blog about whether the term "secretary" is outdated. You can read it here.

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!


Monday, February 13, 2006
I'M BACK!!!

(birds chirping...)

Mmmm, yes. Well. I'd give some good excuse for not posting for a week and a half, but nothing is coming to mind. I'm chalking it up to the new title I have given myself...PROCRASTA-MOM...she works, she plays, she makes lunches, she does laundry...right at the very last possible minute! Watch as she makes list after list of chores, then shuffles them to the bottom of the pile. Listen as she yells at her kids to do their homework, then sits down at the computer to work on her site...and ends up playing hold'em. Observe the late nights as she frantically whips up a craft for a girl guide meeting the very next day. PROCRASTA-MOM...coming soon to reap havoc on your schedule!

I started out banning myself from posting on D2bH until I'd updated my blog on Administrative Avenue. That didn't work. The last post there is still sitting at January 18th. That whole thing is starting to worry me...am I ever gonna be inspired to work on it some more? I'm pathetic!

News from the Weight Watchers front. I lost 6.4 pounds the first week! I have been elated all weekend, since I found out on Thursday night. The leader gave me my "I lost 5 pounds" bookmark and then made me tell everyone what my secret is...I don't know...magic? I actually almost made
a joke of it and told them I drink a lot, seeing as I'd just been to the dentist the hour before for a crown-prep and my words were all slurry from the freezing. That would have been funny. "I'd like to tell all you beefy-like-me ladies that I followed the point system to the letter and it worked, but really I just suckled on a bottle of Crown Royal everyday and the weight just fell off!" Actually, I did follow the system to the letter and it IS working. It's the easiest thing...except for all the water. I can drink the six 8oz glasses of water, it's just that I haven't seen my family or been to work in 11 days as my bum is firmly attached to the porcelain pot...I have to pee about eleventy-billion times a day. How's this for the next WW commercial:

"I lost 100 pounds and my bladder fell out"

I have to set little goals for myself and work towards the next ten pounds marks...or I'll go insane thinking of how long and hard it's gonna be to lose 73 pounds. Yep, you read that right. 73. Just to get to a healthy weight. Not even an ideal weight for my height. Just healthy. 73 son-of-a-pounds! I took my measurements last night...sigh...ouch. I need to have those measurements down on paper for when I don't feel like I've lost very much in a week or when I lose nothing. Then I can turn to the tape measure and prove to myself that I'm making a difference.

I'm sticking to this...I actually kind of like it. And, I've just finished my 8th serving of water for today.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Move aside! Oh Lord, tell me there's no-one in the bathroom. I'll use the men's if I have to...



Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 51 minutes

Laundry List: 2 or 3 loads...it was a good weekend.

WW4 - The battle of the bulge: 6.4 pounds lost. 66.6 to go.

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!


Thursday, February 02, 2006
"Feed" Desperate to be a Housewife
...no, not with food. I'm starting a diet, remember?

Just wanted to mention that I have recently come out of the dark ages and added a feed to this blog, so you can keep up with all the happenings here at D2bH...oooooh, shiny!

If you're not quite sure what a feed is...you add the feed to an RSS reader and everytime one of your favourite sites updates, you can see it and click-in...wait, I'm the last person that should be explaining it to you...cause did I mention that me "teaching" is right at the bottom of my list of occupations I would like to try...see it? Right there underneath "the guy who attaches tracking devices to sharks". So....here's a link all about feeds and rss (from Feedburner)...cause those guys can explain it in words you will understand. This is how I usually describe technical do-ma-hoos (I made that word up, you didn't know that did you?):


  • What kind of car do you have? A red one.


  • What type of computer do you use? A beige one.


  • What is an RSS feed? Ooooooooh, shiny!


Obviously, it's better if someone else explains it. Here are some of the feeds you can subscribe to. I do know that if you click on the pretty picture, it explains how to add it to your homepage...ie. Google, Yahoo, Bloglines, etc. I subscribe to all of my favourite blogs if they have a feed and I add them to my personalized Google Homepage. (psst...I also subscribed to my own, just so I can see it working).







Add to Google


Subscribe in Bloglines


Subscribe to Desperate To Be A Housewife


P.S. If you're using Blogger and don't have a feed yet, go to Settings, Feed and follow the instructions. It will lead you to Feedburner and you can get the same pretty pictures to place on your site...say it with me once more....oooooooh, shiny!


Salad Tea?
Is it just me or does anyone else think that green tea tastes like green vegetables? Lettuce, cabbage and brocolli with a hint of brussel sprouts...ugh!

I'm starting Weight Watchers tonight with my SIL, Debs, and one of the girls here at work (who's also fighting WWI - Weight Watchers, the battle of the bulge) told me that any tea, sans cream and sugar, is free points...meaning I can drink as much of this salad as I want...again, ugh!

Yesterday after lunch I tried the orange-spice flavour, which was yum...but I was always led to believe that green tea gave you so much more of a healthy advantage than the other, lower class teas (the working poor of teas?)...antioxidants, vitamins, minerals, the promise of shiny, lusterous hair...I want all that and (after suffering through this diet for a few weeks) a bag of chips.

Anyways, I'm gonna finish this cup, then have another salad for lunch - a real one with lettuce, turkey, almonds, cranberries and raspberry vinagrette dressing - then I'm gonna have the orange-spice tea again...tastes more like a pie than a salad...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 47 minutes, 2-3 cups of non-Tetley [*sob*] tea

Laundry List: I also hear that green tea can perform the miracle of making your laundry disappear...oui?

Do you like green tea? What kind of tea is your favourite? Tell me what to try.


Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Hypa-Mom
Zeenee said I was hyper in the van this morning. "Mom, did you take drugs this morning, cause you're really hyper" were her exact words. "No, I had a bite of banana" I replied. "Just one bite?" she said, "Because most monkeys are calmer than you." (thank you, thank you. She gets her comedic nature from her mother's side of the family)

Actually, the entire conversation was quite amusing and, seeing as you have nothing better to do than read my drivel over here, I'll recap it as best I remember:

As we're walking out to the van we notice animal scat in front of my Mom's car. We ponder the species of animal that left such a pile...raccoon? coyote? bear? elephant?...No, too big to be raccoon or coyote...bear? elephant? We come to an executive decision that our street has been visited by a bear in the night (the elephant would have left footprints in the butter) and I tell her to look out for the offender cause it's still dark...he could jump out from behind a tree and open his trenchcoat at any moment. We make it to inner sanctum of the minivan (safe, phew!) and drive up to Nita's house to pick her up.

Me: There it is!!! Oh wait, it's just a stop sign. Bear! No, stop sign again. Black bear! Wait, it's just a guy wearing black.

Z: Okay, enough. It's only funny once.

Me: Oh My God! Bear! No, just a truck.

Z: Ha, ha...you're really loud in the morning.

We pull into Nita's driveway and wait and wait for her to come out.

Me: NITA!!! WE'RE HERE!!! COME OUT!!!

Z: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Nobody can hear me...we're in the van.

Zeenee gets out to go and get Nita. Shuts door.

Me: ZEENEE!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!

Z: (nods yes, goes red, puts finger to lips)

(Wow, this van isn't very soundproof...maybe people can hear it when I crank Milli-Vanilli on the stereo...phew, good job everyone thinks I'm soooo cool)

Zeenee and Nita get in the van and we drive to school.

Z: My Mom is hyper today.

Nita: (laughs)

Me: I'm not the one who pretends to be a dog and barks at the window at strange boys.

Z: He's not a strange boy. He's Adam. And I only barked at him once...

Me: last week...

Z: Well, I thought it was funny. I bark really well. I really sounded like a dog.

Me: Boys aren't gonna want to date you if you bark like a dog at the window.

Z: Ew! Who'd want to date Adam anyways. He's gross!

Me: He might have cute friends who would reconsider asking you for a date if he told them about the barking.

Z: He doesn't. Anyways, he goes to the other high school now. Who wants to date anyone from Riverwood?

Me: Yeah, you should definately stick to your own kind. We wouldn't want to mix the poodles with the pit bulls.

Z: You never know...some guy might like the two-in-one kind of girl I am. A girlfriend and a loyal companion.

Me: True. And it IS hilarious when you do that barking thing...

We pull into the school driveway...

Me: Have a good day girls. I love you Z. Remember, to prevent Meningitis, don't share your crack pipe with others! (we read this once in a pamphlet about Meningitis and nearly peed our pants laughing. it has been a running joke since...and Zeenee has made sure to NEVER share her crackpipe..."I bought it for you! Let the other mothers pay for their children's accessories.")

Z: I know Mom. You tell me that all the time. I won't share it. Thanks for the ride.

Nita: Thanks for the ride Mrs. D2bH.

Me: MAKE GOOD DECISIONS HONEY!!!

(Zeenee hangs her head and runs in the door...)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 3 minutes

Laundry List: There's lots of it barking at me from the laundry-room...you know what they say..."Feed a dog once, he's loyal for life"..."Feed the laundry a fish..."


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