Monday, February 20, 2006
BPC Part III - Tips For Parents Who Don't Have a Clue
Continued from BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...

The following tips are directed at the parents of the children who attended my son's birthday party on Saturday, February 18th. Please keep in mind that, while these tips are good and valuable information for all parents, I hold no degrees and I am not a certified child psychologist...I only play one on the internet.

Teach your children empathy for animals. When your child fires at my cat with a Nerf gun, that pretty much tells me that he has no regard for the feelings of our furry friends in this world. Maybe you should get his own pet to take care of...my suggestion would be a tiger, a raccoon or a bobcat. It would increase the the wild animal quota in your home from one to two. CB had an enourmous gushing wound on his arm from trying to move the cat to the safety of our bedroom during the melee. Unfortunately, she spotted the perpetrator in the hallway and fought her way out of CB's arms to seek refuge under another bed. What the hell is wrong with your parenting skills?!

Teach your children about privacy. I was gobsmacked to discover that your child would throw open the door of my pantry and declare "is there anything else to eat in this house?"...especially after I had just fed him popcorn, pop, pizza and cake, thereby increasing my debt-load to that of a small African country. When I was a child I wouldn't even follow my friends to their rooms without being invited to do so (ha, I just said "when I was a child"...like I'm old or something)...I had no idea where they kept their food and never so much as requested a drink of water without their invitation. This all leaves me to question how private and safe my medicine cabinet is. Parent...you let them do this at other people's homes...really?

A playground is for climbing and jumping on. My furniture is for sitting on. Duh! This one is basic. Need I really say more? Parent...you are an idiot who doesn't deserve to raise rats...let alone children.

Other children should be seen and not punched. Seriously, your sweet little girl horrible little monster sucker-punched another girl because they both wanted Budgie to open their present first. Stern words didn't break it up. Screaming didn't break it up. You must be so proud. Parent...get your ass in that corner for 10 years of time out!

7 year olds should never watch Saw II. Or any other movie rated above PG...EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER. How could you do that? That is pure and simple child abuse in my mind. Not to mention the fact that she regaled all the children with the details of the entire movie before I walked in and clued into what was going on. Thanks for that. More sleepless nights for Budgie. Some people, like you Mr. & Mrs. Parent, are simply too stupid to breed.

...to be continued. Edited to cross this out. I'm so over last weekend by now...still drinking, but so over it...


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