Wednesday, March 29, 2006
"Light" dinner conversation
Annabella: Dudes, my friends said that Michael Jackson had lots of plastic surgery to turn his skin from dark to light!
She says "dudes" and "peeps" a lot lately...she's also waaay behind on the news...but she does a marvelous rendition of MJ doing the crotch grab...we're so, so proud.

Zeenee: (rolls eyes) Geez An, you're really up on the latest.

My Mom: Why was his skin dark before?

Me: Because he's black Mom. Remember when he was in the Jackson Five?

My Mom: No. I didn't know he was black? His sister never looked dark skinned to me.

Me: Who? Janet?

My Mom: No. Marie.

Me: Marie Osmond Mom?

My Mom: Yes. She always had such fair skin.

**sigh**


Saggy Butt
You would think that after losing almost 11 pounds, my waistband would start to loosen around my mid-section right? You would think so. But you'd be wrong.

Instead, I've noticed in the last few days that my pants have started to bag in the lower ass region (yes, my ass is large enough for regions -- upper, lower and even a mid-ass region...heck, it practically qualifies for its own area code!). Instead of slowly blossoming into a beautiful, tiny-waisted pear, I'm starting to resemble my dad...all gut and no butt.

That's just great...now I'll never look like J-Lo...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 38 minutes

Laundry List: Many pairs of saggy-ass pants to launder...


Tuesday, March 28, 2006
GM: A Pox On Your House
Dear GM:

This letter serves as notice that we will NEVER buy a piece of crap product from you EVER again for at least one million years. Piss me off again and we'll make it two million.

Yours truly,

Crazy Montana Owner Soccer Mom

I took our van in for its regularly scheduled maintenance this morning. For a mere $300.00 we get the oil changed, the engine tapped with a wrench, the computer thinga-ma-doo-ee hooked up for life support, the spark plugs will be sparkled, the tires rotated (they seem to rotate every time I drive the van, but what do I know about cars...oh look! A birdy!) and a free air freshener...well...free if you don't count the three hundred dollars we have to pay to get it out of purgatory this afternoon. When I dropped it off I had to call Cheap Bastard, because I wasn't aware that it was going to cost two weeks worth of groceries to have it fixed. Then I got a ride to work with the cute little old man who drives people around all day. Then I got a call. From the evil service guy at GM.

We need new front brakes. On a van that is only a year old. They want three hundred more dollars for that. I got Cheap Bastard to call them, because what do I know from brakes? As far as I'm concerned that van has stopped every time I've pressed the brake pedal...and for that I'm thankful (as is CB from that time I almost ran him over at the train station, but stopped just in time half on the sidewalk and half on the street. Then, instead of being remorseful that I almost killed my spouse, I laughed like a maniac all the way home). It seems the brakes are only at 15% and of course they're not covered by the warranty. So Cheap Bastard said fix'em. We're going to Victoria in two weeks and I guess we might need them...with our luck they'd fail just as we were driving onto the ferry. We'd be first in line. Drive onto the ferry. Brake. Fail. Sploosh! Into the water off the front of the boat.

If you're still playing along our bill is now at $600.00. Plus GST (7%). Plus PST (7%). Plus free air freshener.

CEO of GM. I've got a voodoo doll with your name on it...and I'm gonna Google how to use it...


Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 12 minutes, $684.00, free air freshener

Laundry List: 684 loads, free air freshener provided by Downey


Thursday, March 23, 2006
Thursday Thirteen - MIL
Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I love about my MIL



It's my MIL's birthday today. Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday to one of my favourite people, hands down. Recently, she started her own blog, View From My Deck. Go on over there and send her some love...and while you're at it, help me encourage her to keep on writing...cause she's good at it! Here are thirteen reasons I think she is the best:


  1. She gave birth to the centre of my world. My rock. My looo-vare. My guy. My hottie. The young chap I met and fell in love with almost 18 years ago. She is Cheap Bastard's Mummy.

  2. Without question, she is the best Granny to walk the earth...EVER. She is the Granny of Zeenee, Anabella, Budgie and Little O. My kids worship her with every ounce of their being and when she's in the room, all others cease to exist. I think it's because she has always PLAYED with them, not simply looked down on them as a grandchild, a possession, another notch in her belt. She befriended them. And, like the kids do to her, she worships them too.

  3. I can call and talk to her about anything. She is my best phone-friend and pretty much the only person I'll take a call from anytime of the day or night.

  4. She likes tea...Tetley's only...milk in the cup first...no more to be said about that.

  5. She taught me to cook. When CB and I first got married, I could hardly boil water. She's given me a lot of her great recipes and taught me how to make them all.

  6. She got me my first job in my chosen career. When I was 18 and in my first year of college, she let me fill in for her while she went on holidays. She taught me all about working in an office, answering a phone, typing, filing, etc...all at the same time! And she did it patiently....while answering a phone, typing, filing, etc.

  7. She is crafty. Not in a sneaky kind of way. More of a sewing/knitting/stamping kind of way. Zeenee was the best dressed baby, thanks to her Granny's amazing creations. When we get together we do a lot of crafting...or discuss crafting...or go to craft fairs...or compare crafts.

  8. She has a penchant for shoes. The more pairs the better. The prettier the colours, the better. Who couldn't love that about a person.

  9. She believes that a conversation cannot be well had without the aid of baked goods. Cookies, squares, cinnamon buns...they all bring out the "talk".

  10. She has a talent for picking out great gifts for others. She just KNOWS what will make that person happy. This past Christmas I got the softest, warmest pajamas from her and FIL. Like her, I am always cold and she must have known when she saw them that they'd warm me to the core.

  11. She has a giant, beautiful personality that just draws people to her. Perfect strangers will stop her in the street and start up a conversation, probably because they see the warmth in her smile and her eyes and know she has a heart to match.

  12. Because of this magnetic personality, she sometimes draws in the most interesting, quirky, amazing people and thusly has the most interesting, quirky and amazing stories to tell about her encounters.

  13. She loves her family and friends fiercely and I'm proud to be counted as one of those people.



Love you Mom. More than cheese. Happy Birthday!


Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!






Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 35 minutes (I have tomorrow off again! Yahoooo!)

Laundry List: 13 loads or so...


Monday, March 20, 2006
Worst Day - Worst Mother
Bella was playing her final game of her weekend soccer tournament yesterday morning. We had gotten up at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning to be in Vancouver for an 8 a.m. start to the first game, then we'd gone to McDonald's for breakfast and at 11:00 the final game started. I hadn't had anything to eat at McDonald's and was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I was extremely weepy yesterday morning, so I headed to the Chevron station to use the bathroom and buy myself a snack. I had hoped that the break away from Cheap Bastard, whose fault it was for everything wrong in my world yesterday (who knows or cares why today, but yesterday I was ready to rip his face off), would relieve some of the angst I was feeling and give me a few minutes to compose myself back to normal.

I got back to the field just before halftime and found Anabella in my lawn chair taking a break. I leaned over to kiss her on the head and when I stood up I guess I must have lost my balance a little, because the hot chocolate I was holding in my left hand let go and I dropped it all over her. Yes, you read that right. I dropped a hot drink all over my baby. From her neck to her stomach.

All I remember is her leaping out of the chair uttering the most horrible, primal screams I have ever heard (I will hear those screams forever). I instantly started pulling at her shirts to try and peel them away from her skin and she instinctively pulled back at them because I was revealing her bare back and chest to everyone on the field. Bella's Coach, Paul, got into the fray and started searching her for burns and blisters and all I could do...was hold her and cry, saying I was sorry over and over and over. CB came running over and when he got there I just lost it completely, sobbing and wavering, barely able to stand up on my own I was shaking so badly.

Luckily, Bella wasn't hurt at all. Her skin wasn't even red where I'd spilled the hot chocolate. I think she had screamed mainly from the initial shock of the spill and I imagine it had hurt a little bit as the drink was quite warm. Through my sobs I told CB that we should just take her home, but Bella would have none of it. She wanted to stay and finish the game. CB then asked me if I was alright, to which I replied no...then I bolted for the parking lot. I was so embarrassed and scared from almost killing my own child and I really don't remember how I got to the van. I just remember jumping in the back through the sliding door to hide behind the privacy glass where I sobbed for a good hour. Once CB got Bella settled back into the game he came out to check on me and give me kleenex. I told him I was a horrible mother, I had hurt and embarassed my child, and if I wasn't going crazy none of this would have happened. Of course he disagreed with me verbally (but what must he have been thinking of me?)...but I KNOW that my prior emotions had everything to do with this. If I hadn't been so upset before, I would never have wavered like that and spilled the drink.

I ended up missing Bella scoring the game winning goal. The coach took her out of net near the end of the game and told her to go and score a goal...and she did. Poor Coach Paul missed seeing his own daughter score a goal because it happened during the meelee that I caused. It was all so incredibly awful and embarassing and painful.

As I'm typing this today my face still hurts from all the crying I did yesterday. It stayed puffy and red for the rest of the day and I can still feel the pull of my skin around my eyes and cheeks. I deserve to feel that for a long time. It's my penance.

The only thing I can be thankful for in all of this is that I didn't go to Starbucks or somewhere like that and buy a piping hot freshly brewed coffee. Thank God is was just a cup of reheated gas station swill. Thank my lucky stars that it wasn't too hot. I think if my stupidness had caused a trip to the emergency room I would have been pushed over an edge that I could never come back from. It would have been the end of me if I had grieviously injured my own child.


Frightening Images
Why is it that the mirror in the bathroom at work has the magic ability to make me see how horrible I look today, but in the one at home I looked fine?

Why home mirror? Why didn't you tell me to BRUSH MY HAIR?!!! Why didn't you remind me to put on makeup?!!!

People are running screaming from my cubicle and I'm afraid to go into the kitchen and get my lunch...someone may choke on their food from the fright!

This weekend sucked ass and I will tell you why later. (with apologies for the profanities...it "suckled on bare naked tushies"...better?)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 3 Minutes

Laundry List: I'm afraid to look...it's scarier than my hair.


Friday, March 17, 2006
A List - Now with more bullets per square inch!

You will be pleasantly
surprised at what the
Bible says about sex.


- from the billboard outside
Coquitlam Alliance Church



  • Why thank you Mr. Church. I'm sure you're right. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at what your billboard said. So much, in fact, that I smiled all the way home even though my gums were still sore from where the hygenist had picked at them for an hour during my cleaning...with that sharp little evil hook. I look forward to driving by in the future. Next week's sermon, "Shock Advertising, Why it works!".

  • Yes, I did attend at my dentist's office today for my semi-annual cleaning. Ouch, gross and ewww come to mind. Mostly ouch. Might I just say that if I didn't love my dentists like family, I would drop them like a rock in a deep well due to the parking situation. The parking? Is horrible! They're located in one of those mini malls and they have exactly four spaces for parking. If you're not lucky enough to get there when someone else is leaving you have to go around the back and try to find an semi-underground space. But look hard, cause most of the spaces are Doctor Parking Only or Do Not Park Here Unless You're Having Your Hair Cut And Coloured At Lovely Locks or This Is A Free Parking Space, It's Just Not Your Free Parking Space. The parking usually throws me into a major stress attack EVERY TIME I go there and as I'm hiking the 50 miles from my car to the dentist's office I'm always thinking of the comments I'm going to make to the receptionist or the hygenist or the dentist himself about the attrocious parking situation. But they must have some kind of calming gas being piped into that office, because when I walk in I just say hello, look for the latest issue of People Magazine and rest my butt on the comfy leather couch in the waiting room. I've always wanted to suggest that they move to one of those big old houses in the neighbourhood. We've all seen them. Those calm, serene looking professional offices tucked into a sidestreet. With all that parking. Heaven I tell you. I suppose I COULD just start going to a dentist in my neighbourhood, but people...if you ever met my dentist's? You too would drive to the city next door to let them grind and polish your teeth. You would totally pink puffy heart them as I do.

  • I've been off work for the last two days to spend time with the kids while they're home for Spring Break. We've had a blast. Budgie and Anabella started their own scrapbooks...which are wonderfully done. They've each completed four pages and I showed them how to crop their photos and mat them and mount them on the paper. They are so proud of their creations. Then we went to Michael's and bought some FIMO clay and made little bugs and flowers...just cause we felt like making little bugs and flowers. They'll totally come in handy one day. Or maybe not, but they were fun to make.

  • The five of us have become completely hooked on the TV show Lost. We rented the first season and all of us ended up watching it separately or together over the last few weeks. We'd put a disk in and watch 2-4 episodes in a sitting. It is a fabulous show! Why didn't anyone ever tell me how good this show is?! Anyways, CB downloaded Season 2 (no he didn't, pretend you didn't read that) and we've watched three episodes together as a family. We decided that we should all watch at the same time, so someone couldn't give away part of the story to anyone who hadn't watched a particular episode. Zeenee went to stay at a friend's house last night, so we couldn't watch any Lost. I'm having a few withdrawal symptoms at the moment and I can't wait to watch some more tonight. I'm hoping CB will let us watch the next twelve episodes straight through. Hey, who can't stay up until six in the morning watching this show?

  • Bella has a soccer tourney this weekend in...Vancouver (ugh!). I despise driving into Vancouver for ANYTHING because, although we're only 30 minutes away, it takes about 6 hours to drive there when there's traffic (and there's traffic ALL THE DAY AND NIGHT!). I just have no use for Vancouver. I don't need it. Everything I need is either here in the Tri-Cities or on the internet. Doesn't matter that CB's job is in Vancouver, so the city is in fact paying our bills. I just have no use for driving through there or shopping there or even thinking about there. Vancouver? You're not needed. You're free to leave. See ya. Bye. (and if you live in Vancouver, please don't send me hate mail. I love YOU. Really!)

  • Cheap Bastard just got home and is whining about how hungry he is, so I'd better go and make him some pizza. I don't understand why he can't eat a snack in the late afternoon, but he refuses to. I know how to make him smile. I'll tell him how pleasantly surprised he'll be by what the Bible has to say about sex...




Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: Present and accounted for.

Laundry List: Accounted for, present and waiting to be done.


Monday, March 13, 2006
Letters From Home
We're sending my brother a package to Afghanistan. Magazines, candies and the first season of Lost for him to watch on his laptop. I suggested to the kids that they should include a letter to their uncle Freddie. He'll be pleased with the results:

Dear Freddie, how's aghganustan? Have you been shot? Remember if someone's firing at you, you run!!!

What about the wimen how are they doing. have they died?
have they been shot?

from: Budgie


Dear Freddie,

How is Aghganistan? I've been very worried when the news says some canadian soldier has been injured or killed. I got two A's and 3 B's and one C+ on my report card. I love my mp3 player. I'm gonna make sure I lock my bag with my game-boy and mp3 in it when we go to Victoria with my class. Well tenchically I'm going with my class. I'm going to victoria twice in two weeks. We're not staying for the whole day with our class. We're just going from 5:00 am to 7:30-8:00 p.m.

Love:
Anabella
Middlename
Lastname
(Your NEASE)

P.S. Budgie stinks


Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Fast Food Crisis
I AM SOOOO HUNGRY!

The thought of going into that kitchen and eating a salad sounds about as appealing as tucking into a cardboard box covered in raspberry vinagrette dressing. Mmmm...card.board.box.

My stomach is leading me in the direction of Wendy's...a loaded cheeseburger, medium fries, coke...typing it is causing rumbles down low in my belly. Five weeks of abstaining has led me to this day. This lack of control. Does it really register that my meal will add up to almost a day's worth of points? Not fully. Not caring right now.

The REALLY sad part? I don't dare drive-thru and bring it back here for all to see. Cause they know what I'm trying to accomplish. Their comments will not be positive.

Ugh. I'm like a drunk begging for someone to take the keys away from me before I get behind the wheel...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 37 minutes

Laundry List: Mmmmm laundry...loaded, with cheese, medium fries and a coke. Huh? What was the question?

UPDATE: 2:56pm - I didn't go and get Wendy's! I overcame the urge and just walked my fat ass into the kitchen and ate the salad. I kind of feel good about having the willpower to do it...but if I've gained so much as an ounce tomorrow night at my weigh-in, I'm having the full meal deal!


Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Paper Shuffle
I would say that I'm up to my elbows in paper right now, but I actually haven't seen my elbows at all today. It's more like my nose is barely floating (and breathing) atop the many murdered trees adorning my desk, my credenza(s) and my floor.

Just a few minutes ago, I heard a squeaky noise coming from a stack of 2005 yet to be filed invoices. Upon investigation I found a missing colleague under the very last file. And we all thought she'd just up and quit late last year!

My boss just came into my grand office - okay, my 8x8ft cubicle - and quipped, "you really need to get rid of some of this paper."

Gee thanks Genius. I'll take that into consideration while I'm pricing those 200 PO's you just dropped in my inbox!

Kill a forrest...work for MY COMPANY.

Just thought I should blog this before I bulldoze into the pile of pulp. Remember to put the most important things first, that's what I always say...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 34 minutes

Laundry List: I wrote it down and left it on my desk somewhere...


Monday, March 06, 2006
A Spring in my step
The crocuses are up. We are no longer scraping a thin layer of frost off the van windows in the mornings...and the distinct sound of birds chirping in the trees could be heard at 4:38 a.m. on Sunday morning. Spring has sprunged! The sun is visiting more often! Vicky has not had a depression fueled panic attack in over a week!

Spring usually causes me to make lists (at least in my head) of things to do. Accomplishments I need to make in the coming year.

It also causes the gardening-itch to spring (seasonal pun) up from within...as I find myself outside in the backyard planning my assault on the rock-wall ivy that's out of control and envisioning the many flowing, drippy plants I can buy and plant in baskets and nourish and love. This is my favourite part of living on the West Coast. The growing season is sooooo long! In Calgary you don't dare put plants out until the middle of June and by September the first frost has hit and killed most living things. But here? Start planning in February, start buying and planting in later March...and put your beloved garden to rest in early November. I heart gardening here.

I am a displaced Calgarian, who could be packed by tonight if you told me I get to move back...but I would still miss here. The mountains in my backyard, the giant trees, the Spring-Summer-Fall weather (but not the winter. The four months of absolutely-no-sun-not-even-if-you're-a-good-person are a killer). There's no question why people put up with the high cost of living here...it's bee-U-tee-ful.

I think spring has given me an extra-large kick in the butt this year, because this is what I've knocked off of my list in the last two weeks:


Organize storage room: from not being able to fit the vacuum back in the room to being able to hold a gala event in there. I cleaned and organized and reshuffled and got-rid-of-it from morning until nearly 10 at night! I organized my six-years worth of Guiding stuff. I put all my craft stuff in neatly labelled boxes on precisely organized shelves. Next on the list? Make a trip to Goodwill and the City Dump, so back driveway and entryway look less like a dumpster-diver's hovel. Seems I got rid of a little too much (grin).

Deep clean kitchen: I removed the colony of popcorn and bread-crumbs that was attempting to propogate under the microwave, scrubbed all surfaces with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (people! If you do not yet own some Mr. Clean Magic Erasers go immediately to the store and get some. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.00. They are the invention of the century!), cleaned the fridge, washed the floors and shined my sink ala Flylady (I bow to the Flylady).

Organize and run kickass pub night for soccer team: it went off without a hitch on Saturday night and we raised $1000 for the team to go to a tournament in Victoria in early April. Not sure how many WW points 4 "Creamsicle" drinks add up to, but at least I don't have to count the spontaneous tequilla those promo guys poured into my mouth after the team's coach pushed me into a chair and said "here Vick, try this!"...because ha! Most of it flowed down my boobs and into my bra. A sticky situation to be sure.

Wash walls: okay, I only washed one so far. But. But! I went in the shed and got the drill and removed the air return vent off the wall, bleached it in my Flylady sink and scrubbed the wall and baseboards with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! The wall? Is white. Who woulda thunk it. Only eighty or so more walls to go in the coming weeks.

Act all high maintenance mama and get hair cut and coloured at salon: Done, done and done. I love it...that is to say I loved it after the hairdresser did it on Saturday. That euphoria ended this morning when I figured out IT WOULD NEVER LOOK THAT GOOD AGAIN! Unless said hairdresser is willing to visit my home every morning to flip it just so with the straightening iron. She convinced me to keep my natural red underneath and highlight it with blonde streaks. Looks pretty damned cool if I do say so myself.

Make list of things that still need doing: In a million years, I would never have enough time to do this. They include removing Llama from stairwell wall, painting kitchen cupboards and putting laminate on kitchen floors (I swear my sanity would increase ten fold with this simple step), scrapbooking my tens of thousand of pictures, sewing Guide badges on campfire blankets (some of mine are from 1978!) and of course to start my gardening. At this point it's not safe to think about the never-ending-bathroom-renovation-from-hell. I'm still hoping to again shower in there before I retire...

...in 2037!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 38 min

Laundry List: Unfortunately new loads SPRING up every day...there will never be a catch up day for this chore...sigh


Thursday, March 02, 2006
Small Victories
I finally lost again! 2.6 more pounds down. Yay me!




Desperate to be a Housewife


Is it the end of the world or are we just out of stir sticks?
Actually, we're just out of stir sticks (here at work...and using plastic spoons instead. Not really a crisis of any magnitude, but enough to put some coffee efficianados around here on edge). I just thought I'd use that title as a teaser. Plus, it'll look inviting in people's RSS readers. What? I'm the only one who subscribes to my RSS? Well, I guess I'll have a giggle on my own about it then. Hrmph.

Crapanella. I should really just change the title of this blog to Procrasta-Mom. Because. Lately. I am getting everything done just on time. And blogging very sporadically at all times.

Here's one from the Procrasta-Mom Follies. I (unsuccessfully) ran a small business in 2002/2003 from my home. I made the mistake of thinking that I would be eventually making exorbitant amounts of money from said business and started charging GST (Good and Services Tax - for the southerners...and other non-Canucks) on my invoices. In late 2002 the government sent me forms (as they do for everyone) to claim and pay the GST I had charged. They did the same in early 2003, late 2003, early-early 2004, later 2004, even later in 2004, approx. 6 million times in 2005 ...and finally, because I'm not a big enough humiliation to myself, they sent my employer a garnishee order on Monday. The garnishee order was for over 1200 dollars - what the tax man had assessed (best guess). The truth of the matter is that I hardly made any money from that business and the damages were closer to $40. That's right people. Procrasta-Mom let a 40 dollar bill go for over four years. Right up to the point where my boss had to pull me into his office and voice his concern for having to pay me 30% less for the next few months, so he could pay the government on my behalf instead.

I am the Biggest Loser - but not in the Caroline Rae TV show kind of way. Lucky for me...at the very last minute (read Monday after the humiliation) I got in touch with a very nice collections lady at Revenue Canada and got the whole thing sorted out...paid my debt...avoided the garnishee...slapped myself around for another stupid-job-not-so-well-done...dusted myself off...and started thinking I should really be getting ready for the next crisis to come along.

...so I got a tea and read some blogs.


Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 58 minutes

Laundry List: I should really begin to think about doing some of that...ooooo, more tea!


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