Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Brother? brother? and Exclamation Points!!!
My Dad and my brother Ivan (why does Dad get a capital, but not brother? Is this my error or Webster's?) have owned and operated a small machine shop in our town for the past five years. They are the only employees and it has provided a nice income for them as the years progressed and their name got around. Don't get me wrong, they have spent countless hours, especially in the first years, figuring out whether they could afford to stay open for another month, but in the last two or so years things have come together nicely and the cash flow has been there. They are both Journeyman Machinists and they make small parts for various machines on two CNC machines (don't ask me what CNC is...they are run by computers...don't ask me what computers are either, because how are you even here?) and on a few other more traditional milling machines.

In the past I have assisted in various secretarial tasks in my spare time (read: nights and weekends) such as printing business cards and writing a few PowerPoint presentations and a little bit of accounting stuff. They do all the other office/accounting tasks necessary and up to this point have never had a need for a full-time office assistant.

You can now see where this is leading can't you? You're starting to see where that "revelation of good things to come" that I promised you here is going now right? Yesiree Bob that is the news!

The company has recently purchased a "new-fangled-giant-hunk-of-metal-machine-that-cuts-anything-and-I-mean-ANY-type-of-material-except-maybe-diamonds-but-I'm-not-sure-on-that-point-with-just-a-stream-of-water" (hereafter referred to as a waterjet machine for the non-technical among us). It is so big and is going to make the company so much extra money (not a lot more really, but my brother is dreaming of boats...and I am imagining we'll have the purchasing power to buy three-ply toilet paper...can you imagine that? I mean three layers of pillowy softness? Miraculous!) that Dad and brother have abandoned their small, dark, ugly shop for bigger, greener pastures and are moving into a GIANT shop one town over with a real office! With a professional looking frontage! That clients can visit! And use the bathroom! Cause it's not all gross like the other one!

And did you read that part about the office? That's gonna be mine! And did you read that part about the company? They're cutting me in! I'm gonna be a real-life-part-business owner!

I know most of you aren't in the administrative field, but this? This is a Secretary's dream. Creating and running her own office...HER WAY! She buys the furniture and supplies (post-its! In every colour and shape available!). She creates the procedures. Simply put, I'm going to be in Administrator's Heaven!

I won't be starting full-time right away. They get the waterjet at the end of July and then of course they need to get it into operation and start making a profit from the work. My brother wants me in place ASAP, but reality dictates that it will be sometime before Christmas. I don't care! I'm getting the hell out of here! I'm getting my own office for Christmas! I'm practically puking exclamation points here!

The best part is I'll finally get to work somewhere where I really CARE about where the company is heading...heck, my (and my family's) future will depend on it. No, the best part is I'll get to wear jeans and running shoes (steel-toed probably) to the office every day...leaving me with a healthy budget for pretty weekend clothes. No, the best, best, bestest part is my Dad has already said he'll be extremely flexible with my hours to allow me to attend field trips, assemblies, etc. with my kids (he kinda has a stake in their well-being...they being his grandchildren and all)...he has no problem with me doing parts of my job from home.

We're in the process of moving into the new shop this week. Cheap Bastard has worked tirelessly every night with Ivan moving all they can with the pickup truck and then special movers are coming in today to move the bigger machines. On the weekend we bought a desk for their office (Ivan and Dad' desk for me yet. My reception area is bare! I'm a little sulky about it, but I'll get over it), a watercooler (cause every office needs one you's the wave of the future. Clear water. You should try it) and a couple of cheap reception chairs. I went in last night and took lots of pictures, but didn't get them downloaded to flickr yet...I'll post them when I do.

Lots more to tell as things progress.

...and now I must take leave of this post and seek out a Catholic Church where I can repent for the grossest use ever of exclamation points and dot dot dots in a post. Forgive me Father for I have sinned!!!

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 32 minutes

Laundry List: Jeans...remove rosary from pocket first!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Never "Deep Six" the MeMe
A quick and fun MeMe I got from landismom at Bumblebee Sweet Potato...I had a blast answering this one!

1. Choose a band/artist: Matthew Good Band (dis-banded years ago *sob*)

2. Answer each question using the title of a song by that band/artist

3. Are you male or female: Song For The Girl

4. Describe yourself: My Out of Style is Coming Back

5. How do some people feel about you? Every Name is My Name

6. How do you feel about yourself? The Fine Art of Falling Apart

7. Describe your kids: Hello Time Bomb

8. Describe your spouse: Fated

9. Describe where you want to be: Bright End of Nowhere

10. Describe how you live: Haven't Slept in Years

11. Describe how you love: The Inescapable Us

12. What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Fearless

13. Share a few words of Wisdom: Look Happy, It's the End of the World

14. Now say goodbye: The Future is X-Rated

Monday, June 26, 2006
Yesterday the Earth melted. The End.

Still here? Let me explain. No, let me sum up (quote: Inigo Montoya--The Princess Bride). 33! Yesterday's temperatures registered at 33...Celcius. Please, if you live south of the border or north up in Alaska or out in the sea in Hawaii, do not ask me how hot that is in Farenheit. I would end up saying, "it was like, 75 degrees" and you would say, "meh, that's not so hot" and I would say, "sorry, I'm not so good with big numbers and farenheit and other non-metric stuff like that" and you would say, "stupid Canadian!" and I would be like, "well! Now we can't be friends. Please leave my beautiful, sprawling country out of this" (cause we Canadians are all polite and stuff and we'd never swear at you and call you a Yank or a Beyotch or least not to your face. I'd totally swear at you in my head though...and maybe in my blog) and you would say, "gee, I'm sorry. I'll forgive you your stupidity" and I would be all like, "yaa!" So, yeah, it's better that we stick to Celcius. So 33! Hot!

We drove around town yesterday looking for an outdoor pool that was open, but I guess they don't open until July 1st. So, there goes my plans for taking the kids to the outdoor pool on Friday. I'd be all early and waiting in the parking lot for 24 hours wouldn't be so great...would be stiffling actually.

So? How have you been internet? I would ask my 3 regular readers if they've missed me (MIL, FIL and you!) but they've probably moved on to greener blogging pastures. You can't go without blogging for two weeks and expect to retain your readers...unless you're Dooce or Amalah. Sadly, I am not (cause if I had Amalah's handbag collection it would surely cure my depression...and any other various ailments that may strike my person).

This new payroll job is SUCKING! I have no time to BLOG. I have no time to READ BLOGS. I only have time to WORK. And really, if that's all you have time for in life you might as well just lay down and die.

But...good news! I won't have to endure this suckage for too much longer. I will be saved. Tune in tomorrow (or? The next time I blog. Two days? Two weeks? Only time will tell!) when I'll fill you in on WHY the suckage will be coming to an end.

...until we meet again, my fair internet.

Time until I'm back with my family: 56 minutes

Laundry List: Jeans, casual clothes, maybe some coveralls (this is a clue...we are gonna play Vick's Clues, we are gonna play Vick's Clues...)

Thursday, June 15, 2006
June is Bike Month
So we're driving down Dehnman Street in downtown Vancouver on Saturday afternoon with MIL and FIL on our way to Fatburger. Our stomachs are rumbling cause it's well past lunchtime and we're all thinking YAY FATBURGER...can't wait...can't wait...mmm, I can already taste that Fatburger, hamburgery goodness...drool, drool. I look out the van window and coming towards us are about 100 people on bikes...and the first thing I remember thinking is that's a lot of people wearing beige. What we really saw, and not necessarily what we truly wanted to see, was this:

World Naked Bike Ride 2006

The best part was turning around in my seat and watching the kids' faces as these people rolled by. The looks of pure shock were priceless and their eyes were like saucers. You should have heard the giggles when I exclaimed, "now that was a LOT of winkies!"

It was the single most talked about subject of the rest of our weekend. "Did we really see that?" "OMG that was disgusting!" "That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" Budgie told my Mom that "one lady had breasts that dangled down to her knees and she was shaking them back and forth! It was so gross!"

MIL and FIL couldn't believe what they had seen, but I guess Cheap Bastard and I are jaded. "That's Vancouver for ya," we said. Gay Pride Parade, Wreck Beach, homeless people on every corner, jumpers on the bridges...been there, seen that, read the Coles notes.

...nothing, however, prepares you for the phone call from the teacher saying that your son has now decided to write his class speech about the naked bike riders, instead of that boring museum field trip topic...and do you, Mrs. D2bH, really think that's appropriate?

She's Some Kind of Wonderful
Today I love my auto insurance broker because in twenty minutes she will be saving my ass from being arrested on the way home from work.

I thought my insurance was valid until tomorrow and we all know ProcrastaMom leaves things until the last. possible. minute. so I was going to stop by tomorrow morning on my day off and pick up my decal. Seems I need some remedial reading instruction, because as I was perusing my reminder letter this morning I realized that IT EXPIRED TWO DAYS AGO! (I ask you, do I look good in stripes? Is prison food delicious, yet healthy and organic? Do children of the incarcerated grow up healthy...and organic?)

So I phone up my broker (and sob and wail and beg and plead and offer blood or money or candy) and she says "no problem, I'll just do up the paperwork and DELIVER IT TO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES (!!!)." Which? I guess is a routine thing she does for all her clients. But? Makes me feel special all the same because I will not be eating Salisbury steak and runny mashed potatoes off a steel tray for tonight's dinner (and to the *RCMP I say "ha, ha suckas! Go eat some donuts.").

That, my friends, is service with a capital Q. Is it considered in bad taste to full on smooch your insurance broker? Mmm, yeah. I shall refrain.

*I would just like to express my true admiration and appreciation for the brave men and women who serve the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Please do not arrest me. You don't smell anything like those evil horses you ride and no, those jodhpurs don't make your bums look big at all. A dozen donuts for each of me...Stephen Harper 1-800-0-CANADA.

Thursday, June 08, 2006
Moonwalkin to the Oldies: Tunes To Clean House To
Scurryfunge: to run around frantically cleaning your home when you know guests will be arriving shortly. (Thank you Slang Teasers, a game I played one summer at the lake. This word has always stuck and I use it often) I'm scurryfunging tonight. Getting ready for the iminant arrival of my MIL and FIL.

I was just listening to my new (to me) FakePodTM and cleaning. Cheap Bastard just got a Nano with our Air Miles, so he passed down his RCA Mp3 player to me. I was just doing the worm and break-dancing around the kitchen and thought I'd share my songlist with NEW AND IMPROVED songlist (and yes, I'm lame. And yes, my music is lame. Blame it on the eighties and the fact that I always wore my legwarmers too tight):

Styx: Domo Arigato Clean-o the Tub-o

ELO: You Gotta Sweep Fast (sweep fast), Sweet Talkin Woman

Chicago: Scrub Me Now (shut up! I'm old and pathetic and yes I really do have Chicago loaded up on this thing)

Howard Jones: Things Will Only Get Cleaner

Beastie Boys: No Sleep Til Dusted

Chicago:...oh forget it, how many damned Chicago songs did I put on this thing anyways? I. Suck.

Depeche Mode: Mommies are People so how could it be, mommies can clean the house so thoroughly?

Chicago:...seriously? Three in a row? I am literally beating myself with a spatula right now.

Talk Talk (re-recorded by Cheap Bastard): It's my wife. Don't you forget it. It's my wife. She cleans real goooood!

I've been trying to post this since 3:00 this afternoon. I guess the Google Gods decided that Blogger needed to be deep cleaned or something. Maybe their Mother-in-Law is coming for the weekend too? Mine is. And my FIL. Yay! On tap for the weekend: Granville Island, Davie Street, Second Beach, Fat Burgers, Cupcakes and Gelato. My tummy hurts already, but I'm looking forward to it anyways!

So, I got an email from my MIL the other day. Essentially it said:
Why haven't you blogged lately? If you don't blog soon, I'm cutting you out of the will. When I die you will no longer get all of my craft stuff!

Sincerely, MIL

(I'm kidding Mom...No, you didn't write that EXACTLY and I totally want your leather couch)

So I thought to myself, "Self. You should put something on your blog to satisfy the gozillions of people who click over there every day...and are continually saddened to find no new material."

The question is, do I really have anything relevant to say? No. I got nothin. Nada. Zip. So, I guess I'll have to make things up. Or! Or, I could type what I was just thinking about in the bathroom after my head hit the ceiling from fright for the millionth time since I started working here.

To the women I work in this office with (which OMG, you're not actually reading this are you? Cause I really need this job for a few more months and I hope you haven't noticed that I use a fraction of my worktime to blog...a mere pittance really. Ask my MIL) Anyways, could you please refrain from throwing your entire body weight at the locked bathroom door? When I want to check if the john is occupied, I usually quietly approach the door and gingerly jiggle to handle to test its resistance. If I find it locked...I WALK AWAY! I do not take a flying long jump from 10 feet up the hall and aim myself at the door handle. I'm warning you. One day that itty-bitty handle's lock is gonna give and you're gonna find yourself on the other side of that door interupting my alone time. And you're gonna scare the pants off of me. An easy enough feat, seeing as my pants and Fruit of the Looms are already perched around my knees as I sit on the throne. So, let's not do that anymore 'kay? Thanks, I appreciate your compliance.

...and to my boss. Could we please have a dead-bolt installed? I would feel better. Thank you.